


Hope

by SimplyRali



Category: Halt and Catch Fire
Genre: Drama & Romance, Explicit Language, F/M, Family, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-25
Updated: 2018-09-10
Packaged: 2019-02-06 18:19:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 29,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12823335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SimplyRali/pseuds/SimplyRali
Summary: Two and a half years after the finale (S4) Joe and Cam meet again. Old wounds heal over time but old flames never truly die. Will they make the same mistakes?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own anything except for the plot in this story.  
> Please be gentle. :D English is not my mother tongue and that’s the first time I attempt to write fanfiction. Sooo…  
> The events take place after the series finale.

_Two and a half years later…_

 

Cameron sat in front of her computer in the trailer. She just finished some coding for the new update for Phoenix. The company was doing well these days and things weren’t as intense as in the beginning. Hers and Donna’s company slowly became only hers. Donna was more involved at first but soon found out she can’t juggle between two jobs and taking care of the girls. Her position at Symphonic Ventures had cost her too much and she couldn’t leave it. And honestly her name and power in the VC firm presented her with more options and opportunities in the business field.  So she chose to spend more time there, which was fair. Also she and Trip seemed quite close these days.  Cam had to admit that despite Trip’s annoying nature the guy was smart and charming. It seemed like his smile finally warmed Donna’s heart. The poor guy chased her like a love sick puppy and after a year she accepted to go on a date with him. Now they were dating but not something serious yet. Cam smiled remembering how Donna loved to complain about him before, how he was trying to sabotage her, turned out he was trying to team up with her.

Friends, Cam and Donna were just friends, not partners. Not anymore. And that was good, healthy for both of them. It started out this way but only so they can close that page of their life and not wonder “What if”. Donna still helped and came for brainstorming sessions, expressed opinion but nothing major. They both stayed out of their way but at the same time were there for each other in hard moments and in sharing excitement and happiness. It showed Cam that she was able to sustain a meaningful relationship without mixing work and personal life. Something she tried but didn’t know how to do before. Now instead of a working partner she had something better – a best friend, and didn’t have to worry that her professional decisions will stain their bond. She felt lighter. Cleaner.

It was getting dark outside. One more Saturday spent in work. Nothing new.  At this point Cameron’s social life was again becoming nonexistent. If it weren’t for Donna’s business parties the only people she met were her six coders at work, Donna and the girls and occasionally Bos. He and Diane traveled a lot in the past two years, one long honeymoon they said. She was so happy for him, he deserved this.

Catherine shut down the computer and walked out of the trailer heading towards her house. Yes, her new home. She build it. At first she wasn’t even sure if she should keep the land, not after all her memories there with Joe, their plans, her hopes. Finally she decided she won’t run anymore and try to make things work, after all she bought the land with the intent to build something permanent for her. God knows she lived long without a place to truly call a home. And here was perfect – beautiful, quiet, peaceful. She kept the trailer though, her new home office, that silver tube was her safe happy bubble.        

Joe… Joe didn’t call or write, or email, or anything really. The only person with whom he kept contact was Haley. At first Cam wanted to ask her about him, how was he, what was he doing, did he find someone new, but then decided against it. If he wanted her to know these things he would have told her, he would have reached out. But he didn’t. The first few months her heart would jump with hope every time the phone rang, as time passed that hope slowly died because he was never at the other end of the line. And her emails were all left unanswered. She asked him if he was angry, what was wrong, how was he doing. Nothing. Radio silence. A taste of her own medicine she supposed.  

Honestly it pissed her off. Yes, they separated because they wanted different things at the time, but for him to just up and leave…

She missed him. 

Joe once told her he would like to know her in his life and now he just cut their connection, cut her off completely. It hurt. The night they broke up she never thought she’d be losing not only a lover but a good friend. And like she said to Donna she didn’t have many of those.

Now she buried herself in work trying not to think how lonely her life had become. She met with Donna and the girls regularly and they spent all holidays together but after some time she started to feel like an intruder. She saw their connection and unconditional love towards each other and it felt like she was forcing herself in their home. 

At first she thought she wanted her carrier, that that was what was going to make her happy and fulfilled. She was married before and it had felt like a trap, never felt right, she always had to make compromises with herself, with her goals. A rash decision when she was young. Then jumped into another relationship too quickly, feeling lost and seeking protection and forgiveness. Can somebody give their all in a relationship if they are still fighting their inner demons and don’t feel complete as a person?  Cam first had to find out who she was, to do things for herself and stop putting her interests aside. During the last two years she had a chance to do that and it felt great, yes, but she wanted more.

She wanted what Donna had. Someone to come back to. Someone to wait for her and kiss her when she opened the front door. Full house. Family. Husband. Kids… What Joe wanted before. The exact reason why he left her. She was a fool. Stupid fool still holding on to memories. Fresh starts were always hard for her.

She opened the fridge - nothing. She guessed cereal for dinner wasn’t going to be so bad. She filled her bowl and sat in front of the TV. Some stupid game show. 

She had to wrap her present for Haley soon. Tomorrow was her big 18 birthday. She was turning into a smart young woman. Time flies so quickly. When Cam asked her what she wanted, Haley actually gave her a list of books about coding. And Cam bought them, every single one. It warmed her heart because that was something they both shared, love for code. She often sought Cam’s help with her projects or came with a question about some functions. Her progress amazed Cameron and honestly made her feel proud.

The gathering would be small. At least that’s what Donna told her. Haley didn’t want something big. Okay. Even better for Cam. At least she won’t be surrounded with a bunch of teenagers and won’t have to make fake chit-chat. It would be more intimate, just them and Bos and Diane. Family of choice. Trip? Probably not, the girls weren’t completely okay with him yet.

Cameron put her bowl and spoon in the dishwasher and went for a bath. A nice long hot bath. She loved a good bath. She took a lot of baths in Japan…  

Another Saturday scratched on the calendar.

 

* * *

 

The evening was cold. Cam guessed they’ll be celebrating inside. No pool tonight. She knocked on the door. Donna opened hurriedly, stepped outside and pulled her to the side. Her big eyes full of concern. Something was wrong.

“He is here.”

The whole world stopped for a second, her heart went in her throat.

Joe was here.

Anger. Annoyance. Happiness. Sadness. Relief. Love.

Emotions, so many emotions.

And Donna knew. She understood.

Donna cared and decided to prepare her for what was behind that door…  

 

* * *

 

The front door slowly opened. And there he was. Joe Macmillan. He looked different, calmer. Content. The harsh lines around his eyes were gone and despite the years he looked younger.

When he saw Cam his whole face lit up and the truest smile appeared on his face. The smile that he saved only for her.

All was forgiven, all was forgotten.

Past, present and future collided.  

“Hello, Cam.”

Her mouth was dry.

“Hello, Joe.”

Tears in her eyes.

He seemed happy to see her.

_Maybe… just maybe… this time…_

**_Hope._ **


	2. Chapter 2

It was getting late and everyone was preparing to leave, the time flew so fast. During their dinner everyone very carefully avoided the elephant in the room and kept the topics light. Haley explained to Joe what she had been working on, Donna talked about some new promising company, Joanie questioned Bos and Diane about their trip to Rome. They unpacked presents, joked around…

A few times Cam caught Joe’s eyes and they spent a few seconds just staring until he broke their eye contact. She didn’t even know what she had been searching for. Answers? Feelings? At the end she gave up… at least he wasn’t mad. If he wanted to talk about them they would talk, if he wanted to pretend that nothing happened she was cool with that too. Finally he was here and she’d be damned if she pushed him away again. So she decided to fully enjoy and appreciate this special moment of them all together.

During the night she learned some very interesting information about Joe. He had a Porsche now.  He didn’t go to work for IBM as she suspected. No, he became a teacher. Joe. A teacher. She nearly choked on her wine, which won her a chuckle from Joe. Well, he did have a way with words… Jeez, the guy never failed to surprise her. But still the picture of Macmillan in classroom was a bizzare thought. Was this what he really wanted or just some mask to hide behind again? Mystery, time would show. Oh, well… lucky students, she wished she had such a hot teacher back in the days.

She said her goodbyes to everyone and thanked Haley for the wonderful evening. Bos and Diane had already left and the situation was becoming more and more awkward with every second. Her cue to flee.

Cam pulled her keys and nearly made it to her truck, before she heard Joe calling after her.

“Hey, Cameron! Wait! Wait.” With a few long strides he was next to her, hand on the car door and slightly leaning forward.

“Let’s meet tomorrow, have breakfast or something. I feel like we really need to talk. You know, to clear things between us…”

_They needed to talk, huh?_

A chance for reconnection.

“Um, sure.”

A slow smile spread across his moonlit face. His eyes catching the light.

Her heart skipped a beat.

Damn, he really was beautiful.

 

* * *

 

**_Old flame never dies._ **

* * *

 

_The next day_

 

Cameron pulled in front of the diner and parked her truck near the entrance. Joe was waiting for her outside, casually leaning against his Porsche. Clean-shaven, white shirt and dark sunglasses. That sure brought back memories from Cardiff…

“Hey!” he greeted.

“Hi, you didn’t wait long, did you?” After all she lived far from here, it was a long ride.

“No, don’t worry,” he took his glasses off. “Should we go inside?”

Cam nodded and he opened the door for her with one hand, the other on the small of her back. _Always such a gentleman._

Inside the staff was going crazy, a few waitresses were running up and down and the cashier lady was screaming for everybody to calm down. Anna, one of the waitresses and a friend of Cam’s, saw Cameron and took her by the hand.

“Thank god, you called for reservation this morning. Half an hour ago 3 buses of high school students came from nowhere. Excursion or something. They’re like hungry animals! Man, we’re so busy! Do you mind waiting for a little while just so we can get things under control here?”

“Yeah, don’t worry, we’re cool”.

The kids were pushing each other and running everywhere. One boy actually stepped on Joe’s shoe earning himself a dark look. That brought a smile on her face. God, she’d pay money to see him walking down the school corridor.   

“Great, let me show you your table. It’s in the back so you won’t have to worry much about all that noise.”

The table really was in the back which provided them some privacy. Damn, these hormonal little monsters were annoying. 

They both sat down, face to face.

Both leaning forward.

Cam started the conversation.

“That must be a usual sight for you.”

“Huh?” he seemed confused.

“The students.” Cam nodded her head in the kids’ direction.

“Yeah, they are great and all. But they can so exhausting…” He looked down.

A long pause.

Joe didn’t know how to continue next. He was nervous, she could tell. When he brought his eyes back to hers again he was carrying his poker face. Shielding himself. It broke her heart a little. He still expected her to hurt him.

“Cam, I’m sorry - ”

“Joe, no, don’t apologize…”

“No, I need to say this.” He took a deep breath. “For a long time I blamed just you for the end of our relationship. You were the one who didn’t want to commit, always one foot out of the door. It’s like you were running away from me and – “

“It wasn’t like that…” she tried.

“Let me finish. And you did what you did but a lot of it was my fault too. I didn’t keep in touch with you because I needed to clear my head. Judge things without my feelings for you clouding my mind. And I couldn’t do that if I was near you. I needed time to be able to face you again. You know, a long time ago Gordon said to me that I push people no matter if they’re ready or not. I was pushing you. I wanted things from you that hadn’t even crossed my mind when I was your age. Hell, I hadn’t even stepped foot in Cardiff yet… And you just came out of another marriage, where Tom did exactly what I had done. I suffocated you. I chased perfection, always wanting more, and never realized how good was what I actually had. I’m sorry.” His bottom lip slightly shaking.

“You have no idea what these words mean to me. I was at fault too, Joe. I put my needs in front of our future and you don’t do that when you are in relationship. We both took Gordon’s death very hard and it brought different things in us, suddenly our time on earth seemed very limited and we wanted to accomplish our goals. We didn’t know how to share our grieve, we didn’t communicate enough. We are so damaged... ” At this point tears were streaming down her face.

He held her right hand in both of his.

“I think we did the same mistake as we did with Comet.” Joe said.

“What do you mean?”

“We gave up too soon. We should have fought for it… It had potential to be more.” His eyes were so intense.

“What are you saying, Joe?”

_Hope._

“You know what.”

She swallowed.

_Deja vu._

“No… tell me.”

“A fresh start.”

She was shaking so hard. She waited nearly three years for this, to be given a chance to correct what she had done wrong. What they had done wrong. The time had turned into their friend that always helped to heal their wounds and made space for forgiveness in their jaded hearts.

“I would like that.” Cam said between tears with a megawatt smile.

“I have a problem though. You see, I sold my apartment in Armonk with the full intention to give San Francisco a second chance. And long story short, I don’t have a place to stay. For now I’m at a hotel but we both know teachers don’t make a lot of money…” His eyes were playful now, flirting.

“You are in luck because I have a very big house.” Two can play this game.

“Oh, I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable. Don’t worry I’ll pay rent. As I said my pockets are not full of money, but…”

“Wait, who said anything about money?! You can pay me in nature.” Wink.

His laughter filled the entire diner, even a few heads turned their way. Most of the kids now gone.

“Deal.”

Anna finally headed their way with a tray in her hand.

“Well, at least somebody is having a good day. Sorry to have kept you waiting, guys. So what can I get you?”

Joe turned towards Cam. Smile on his lips.

**“So, do you know what you want?”**

She held his gaze meaningfully and replied.

**“Yes, I know exactly what I want.”**


	3. Chapter 3

Cameron and Joe spent the entire afternoon talking, catching up. Years had come and gone but they were still the people who understood each other the best. All decisions they’ve made, some right, some wrong, had their prices and had cost them pain. But there was no judgement in the other’s eyes, just love and forgiveness.

Both have matured enough to know that they were just humans. And no human being is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes and small acts at the time, may have bigger impact later. What was important back then felt insignificant now.

What was the point of always chasing perfection and the future, if they couldn’t enjoy what they had at the moment and couldn’t actually see how beautiful it was? They wanted everything immediately, always rushing things. In just a few months they made big jumps in their relationship, jumps that they weren’t ready for. That’s what destroyed them. At the end fear from growing old alone and reevaluation of what’s important in life helped them find their way back to each other.

They went for a walk on one of the Bay Area beaches. It was early autumn and the waters were chill, but the place was beautiful, just perfect for sunbathing and picnicking. The waves were huge and no one was in the water, but the beach was full of families playing with their kids, children flying kites, people walking their dogs, everyone just enjoying the last sun rays of the summer. The couple sat on the sand and enjoyed the view. It felt so natural. It felt just right.

They shared a lot that day. Joe explained why he chose to leave town, how his new carrier had given him the confidence and the love he needed and after a long time he finally felt content with where he was. And although it wasn’t something he wanted to do for the rest of his life, he looked at it like a way to redeem his sins by helping and guiding others.

Cameron told him about her trip to her mom and how she tried to mend the relationship with the only family member that she got. How she spent two weeks there and found out they had a lot in common and  maybe they deserved a second chance. After her journey she came back here to start business with Donna, because the thing with Alexa turned out to be complete bullshit, but that didn’t quite work out either. So now she had a company developing AI games that she managed alone.

When it started to get dark, they went to his hotel room to get his luggage and drove off to her house. Her land was just as magical as he remembered. So green and peaceful. But now in the middle of the field there was a big house with wooden deck. The building was in soft cream color with multiple windows that let sunshine in. There were a couple of chairs and a table outside, she probably read books there or worked on her laptop... In front of the house a small garden with flowers caught his eye, he never imagined Cam as the gardening type but she always found new ways to amaze him. It was actually sweet that she let her feminine side show in such subtle way. She always had a great attention to detail.

He noticed her Airstream parked nearby and looking through its window he could tell everything inside was a mess, just like her any other workplace has ever been.       

“Welcome to your new home. I’m sorry for the mess, but I wasn’t expecting visitors.”  Cam said, while opening the front door.

He stepped inside. The rooms were all pale green, which didn’t surprise him since she always loved that color. It made her eyes even more captivating. The walls were covered with photos of her and her important people – her dad, her mom, Him, Bos, Gordon, Donna and the girls. He saw himself too which made him smile tenderly, this amazing woman who turned his world upside down still loved him.

Cam had a library in her living room, long shelves full of books, some he recognized and remembered giving to her, others she found on her own, developing her own taste in literature. When he met her after Japan she seemed so lost, she lived like a chameleon, becoming what circumstances needed her to be, simply adapting to the lifestyle of her partner. Now she was a complete person, with her own likes and dislikes, with opinion and habits.

“It’s really nice.” It really was, it felt like home.

_Their **home**._

“Well, I’m glad you like it.  No stripper pole though, I know you wanted one… Building it took 9 months but it was worth it.” Cam opened one of the kitchen cabinets above the sink and pulled two glasses. “Wine? I have beer too, but you always preferred wine, so…”

“Sure.” Joe sat on her couch and watched her as she moved.

Cameron came with the glasses and sat next to him with body completely turned towards him. Her full attention on Joe.

“You know, it’s so good to talk with you again.” Joe said and watched how her eyes got misty. Long lashes not allowing the tears to fall.

“I’ve missed it too.” She lowered her eyes and stared thoughtfully in the red liquid.

“Shall we celebrate?” Joe picked his glass from the table.

“Celebrate what exactly? Dumb decisions? ” Cam laughed.

“No, for those we need whiskey.” Joe said. “I meant us. Cheers to new beginnings!”

“Cheers!” She liked that, she really liked that toast.

After a bottle of wine and a few packets of chips that Cam found in one of the cabinets, they sat on the floor, table pushed aside and backs against the couch, talking about everything and nothing for hours. It reminded Cam of their long phone call back when she was in San Jose.

The distance between them slowly grew smaller and smaller until right after some stupid joke about Billy Joel Joe kissed her. Just a gentle peck on the lips. He drew back to watch her reaction, wanting permission. She never spoke a word but what he saw in her eyes was enough. Then he came back for another kiss, this one more lingering. Lips moved slowly and tenderly against each other, tongues intertwined. When they drew apart for air, both were breathing fast. Cam touched her forehead to his and stared into his eyes.

“Bedroom?” she asked with rosy cheeks. Although the blush wasn’t because she was shy around him, that phase was long gone, no, just the mixture of wine and desire.

“Yes, lead the way.” He had a note of desperation in his voice. He kissed her on the neck and made the little noise at the back of his throat, that she loved so much, it was almost like a growl. It always made her wet and brought out the animal in her. She took his hand and guided him.

* * *

 

       

Joe looked into Cameron’s eyes, illuminated by the moonlight. They sat on her bed with her straddling him. He pulled her closer to him, letting her feel his growing erection. She gasped in shaky breaths as she came into contact with him. God, how she missed this, missed him. His scent surrounded her, his hands embracing her, their bodies touching, he was everywhere.

He buried his hands in her shoulder length hair and pulled her for another deep kiss. She melted against him and let out a shuddering breath.

He moved them so that she was beneath him. Joe started moving down leaving a path of wet kisses, starting from her neck, between her breasts, her belly and stopping between her thighs.

Cam gasped as he pressed his fingers against her. Joe gently slid two fingers into her tight entrance before closing his mouth around her clit. His tongue circling her.

“Shit! Oh m-my God!” She stuttered as he repeated the motion.

She arched her back of the bed as he kept going. He loved her taste, always had. She was sweet and addicting. He could spend hours pleasuring her, watching her tremble beneath him and moaning his name. But they both knew that Cam won’t stay down for long. She liked giving pleasure just as much as receiving it. To be honest she was probably the most eager and giving lover he ever had.

Cameron was close.

“Macmillan. Up. Now.”

Joe ignored her. No, he would give her this one. Her legs started shacking, her belly quivered. Close, so close.

“Joe!” She buried her hands in his hair and held him there while she rode her orgasm.

He slowly pulled out his fingers and gently kissed her there like he would her mouth. He loved every part of her and couldn’t believe how stupid he was to walk away from her.

He came face to face with her, their noses touching. Joe aligned his throbbing cock with her pussy. Just teasing not entering, not yet.

“Oh God, Joe, I need you. Stop fucking around!” She was losing her patience.

“Actually, you know what, I think I’m going to return the favor.” She smiled like the Cheshire Cat. She pushed him on his back and took his length in her mouth.

Joe’s eyes rolled to the back of his head. Pleasure blinding all his senses.

He felt smooth on her tongue. She loved giving him this, she loved feeling powerful and having this beautiful strong man at her mercy, trashing his head and begging for more.

“Cam, stop! Believe me, we both don’t want this to be over so soon.” There was a thin layer of sweat on his forehead.

“Oh, so NOW we’re on the same page?” Cam said, smiled and licked her lips.

She straddled him again thinking she was controlling the situation, but he spun her around and she was beneath him once more. Joe couldn’t deny their power play turned him on even more. He liked when she was on top, he got the most beautiful view then, but tonight she would be the one to surrender.

“Tell me what you want, Cam.” He was trailing kisses down her neck.

**“You.”**

“Tell me you love me.” He lifted his head and looked into her mesmerizing eyes.

“ **I love you, Joe.** I always have.”

_She was his._

She felt the heat of his cock right before he entered her. They both held their breath at that moment. Time froze for a second. How it was possible for something to feel so right? It was like they were made for each other.

_Two halves of a whole._

Thrust after thrust they connected their souls again, drank life from each other. As their tempo grew faster their kisses grew more bruising. Both franticly chasing the wanted climax. He let out a growl and quickened even more their lovemaking. He thrusted  harder and faster making her moan and jerk against him. The sound of skin slapping against skin began to numb their senses as they became desperate to feel each other. 

Soon she was shuddering against him, legs closed around his waist holding him close.

“Joe, don’t stop! I’m coming!”

She came with a scream, his name on her lips.

After a few more thrusts, he buried his head in her neck, growled and bit there as he emptied himself in her.

He rolled on his side afraid he might be crushing her with his weight. Joe stretched out one arm, an invitation for her. Cam took it and laid her head on his chest. With one arm she started tracing his scars, loving the imperfect skin. It showed her that he was only human, the great Joe Macmillan wasn’t invincible after all, but it also showed how strong he was – he survived and moved on.

“Just so you know, the rent here is not paid monthly. Maybe we can figure out something - a few times a week… or daily.”

He laughed at that remembering their earlier arrangement and kissed the top of her head.

He loved that woman.

“Do you accept payments in advance?”

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

When Cameron woke the next morning, the spot next to her on the bed was empty. She ran her hand through the pillow, inhaled deeply and blinked a few times. Cam pulled her covers higher, it was the beginning of the autumn and in the mornings the air was chill.

She got up, ran her hands through her locks and checked the weather outside through the window. Yes, it was sunny, but the warmth that the sun rays provided was almost nonexistent, and windy. Cam put her blanket around her shoulders and with bare feet stepped out of the bedroom.

Joe had always been an early riser. Maybe he went for a morning run?

Her whole kitchen smelled like heaven. He, God bless him, had made her coffee. After the wine last night it really was a pleasant surprise and something that she desperately needed. When she got to it it was already cold but that didn’t matter. Cam took a sip.

Sweet, just like she liked it. _He remembered._

**_Last night_** **…** Memories flooded back. She smiled and then took a big gulp of her mug.

It was a great morning indeed.

Cameron heard some rustling outside. She opened the front door and there he was.

Joe sat on one of her chairs on the deck, sipping from his coffee, glasses on the bridge of his nose, and reading newspaper. Every now and then he lifted his head and stared into the distance, just admiring the view.

Cam crossed the threshold, closed the door behind her and leaned against it. That got his attention and he looked at her. Her eyes looked so big, her cheeks were rosy and hair still a mess after their lovemaking.

Both smiled.

“What the hell are you doing outside? It’s freezing out here.” Cam said, pulling closer her blanked.

“Good morning to you, too,” Joe closed his newspaper and took off his classes. “How did you sleep?”

“Well, we didn’t sleep much, did we?” she laughed.

“No, I guess we did not.” He grinned.

Joe pulled the other chair closer and motioned for her to sit down.

“You know, I forgot how pretty it was out here.” He took her left hand and intertwined their fingers together. His eyes feasted on all the green and light around them.

“Just wait a few more weeks. In the autumn everything here turns a thousand shades of yellow, red and orange. The whole damn horizon becomes golden.”

Joe looked in her eyes, what she said finally sinking it.

**_Destiny._ **

“ ** _Golden horizon_** _, huh_?” he chuckled. Soon the chuckle turned into full laughter, his shoulders shaking with the motion. He brought their linked hands to his lips and kissed hers gently, his eyes sparkling.

“What’s so funny?” Cam asked, amused by his sudden behavior.

“Nothing. Just some time ago I received a sign from above that I didn’t expect to be quite so… literal.”

“Okay…” Cameron gave him a look that spoke volumes, she thought he completely lost it.

Maybe he did, maybe he really was crazy. Believing in things in tarot cards and searching for meaning where there’s probably none, sometimes made him question his own sanity.

But that faith brought him _hope_.

She brought him back **here**.   

Joe got up and pulled her for a quick kiss.

“Let’s get inside, your hands are cold.” 

* * *

 

     

“So what exactly do you do at Phoenix?” Joe asked while chewing his steak.

He and Cam were having lunch in the kitchen. Both were sitting face to face on her small wooden table. Underneath it their feet were touching.

“Well, we’ve created an AI game. But it’s not just a game, it’s a whole world,” she put down her utensils and started explaining using her hands as she usually did when she got excited. “You register online, choose a character, customize it however you want – you can change not only his appearance, but give him qualities, talents or certain habits. Then he can meet and live with all these other characters, which are created by other people. It’s like in real life, they create relationships, make decisions and face the consequences afterwards. But, you see, it’s not just the players making choices, the character, based on what characteristics you’ve given him, can make his own decisions or… changes in the environment can push him in certain direction and he creates memories and tries to learn from his mistakes and… And the player sometimes just has to catch up, to adapt… ” Cameron finished a little out of breath.

“Wow, that’s amazing. So… it’s self-learning?” he seemed intrigued.

“Yeah, pretty cool, huh?” she smiled proudly.

“But you’re just using it in games right now, right? Can you imagine what difference it could make if you make the algorithm compatible with robotics or it can be used in medicine and if you could do that then - ”

“Whoa, okay, Joe, we’re not going there.” Cameron furrowed her eyebrows and started to get up.

“Where? We’re just talking…” he looked confused.

“Yeah, it always starts like that and then you start pushing and…” she shook her head. “It doesn’t matter, the point is, I like where I’m now and I’m happy with it. ”

“But AI –” Joe tried.

“Is awesome and, yes, it could be more. But I like creating that, I like the company that I have and I like the people that I work with. I don’t want it to be more, at least not for now.”

He was quiet for a few seconds.

“You’re right. This is your thing, I won’t mess with it.” Joe lowered his head.

She loudly exhaled and then closed the distance between them with a few steps.

“Look I like hearing your opinion, I really do,” she sat in his lap with arms around his neck. “I just don’t want us to make the same mistakes over and over again. We know how this ends.”

Joe nodded. He understood but he couldn’t help it. He always liked technology, it was in his blood, and all these possibilities of what it can do and what it can become excited him.

_Technology was the future._

Cameron kissed him on the cheek trying to distract him.

“What about you?” she whispered against his ear.

“Huh?”

“Work. You left Armonk and your job as a teacher there. What are you going to do now? ” She got up and went to the sink to fill herself a glass of water.

“I thought I could try at the University of San Francisco. I liked teaching but I think I’d like my students to be a little bit older. You know, not driven so much by hormones…” he laughed.

“That’s great. With your rich history in tech business I’m sure they’d accept you without a second thought. With a little luck you can be in Haley’s classes.”

“She’s amazing, isn’t she? She’ll run Silicon Valley one day.” He smiled.

“I know, right? You should see her latest project. It’s… next level. She’s years ahead from where I was at her age. I guess that is to be expected with both her parents being geniuses and all…”

“She’s precious little thing, she and Joanie both. I wish she just took some things easier, you know… who she is.”

“That she’s gay? Everybody already knows,” Cam laughed. “The big conversation never really happened, everyone just felt it, you know, some mutual understanding. Last Christmas she brought a girl, Lily, but they broke up pretty fast.”

“Lily, huh, she wrote me about her. She never mentioned bringing her home though…”Joe got up and started putting the dishes in the sink. When he finished he got the sponge in one hand and…

“Joe, what are you doing?” Cameron put her hands on her waist and raised an eyebrow.

“Doing the dishes?” he answered uncertainly.

“No, just… no. Put them in the dishwasher.”

“I don’t see what the problem is. I like doing them –“

“The problem is your obsession with the way they should be washed. It drove me nuts how you watched me in the hands every fucking time I did the dishes. Always looking over my shoulder.”

“Obsession? It’s not obsession, it’s just when you move the sponge in clockwise motion - ”

“Put. Them. In. The dishwasher. ” 

“- the grease doesn’t spread and it protects the top layer of the utensil.”

“You’re an OCD freak, you know. Just put them in the dishwasher,  relax and spend more time with me.” She tried with more gentle approach.

He turned completely towards her. They had to have that conversation sooner or later.

Sooner it was.

“Fine, but you’ll put earphones every time you work and won’t blast music through the entire house.” He stood his ground.

She rolled her eyes.

“First of all, my music is cool. Second, it’s not that loud…”

“You’re loud! Everything you do is loud! Put earphones!” He insisted and crossed his arms.

“Fine! Jesus… ”

“And the right side of the bed is mine.” Joe continued.

“Are you serious, Joe?  I sleep there, that’s where the window is.”

“It’s more comfortable for me since I turn to sleep on my left side.”

“Okay, I guess if you piss me off I’ll just open the window in the middle of the night and hope for the best! I have one condition though, you won’t put that ugly painting in our bedroom again.” She crossed her arms too not willing to back down.

“That’s art.” His lips were pursed in a straight line.

 “It’s just three ugly black lines that cross. That’s it.”

“Okay, fine! I’ll put it in my office!”

“Great!”

“Great!”

Both were staring at each other, a little pissed and out of breath it the moment, but glad that they had this out of the way.

“Maybe we should have done this the first time.” Joe laughed.

“Yeah, that would have saved us a lot of nerves,” Cameron agreed. “Hey, Joe. I know we’re different and it won’t be easy but let’s really try this time. You piss me off but I still love you.” She went, put her hands around his waist and buried her head in his shoulder as he held her.

“I love you too, Cam.” He said and kissed the top of her head.

 “Great, now turn on that dishwasher and let’s go for a hike.”

 


	5. Chapter 5

 

A black Porsche 911 stopped in front of the Phoenix’s building. Today Joe decided to drop off Cameron for work on his way to SF University. He killed the engine and looked outside through the window. There were only four other cars at the parking lot and honestly the place looked dull from the outside.

So much history was behind these walls – excitement, happiness, tears, hope, broken dreams, memories. Nothing lasted here, no business survived for long and yet all of them kept coming back. He listed in his mind every company that saw its end on these grounds – Mutiny, CalNect, Comet, and now Phoenix was here. But for how long? His life has been a string of failures in this business, everything grew so fast and passed so quickly that made it impossible for someone to be at the top for long. But in exactly this deadly environment the magic happened, ideas were born and progress was made, not only in technology but for people and their way to each other.

_The_ _ thing _ _that gets you to the thing._

Did he believe in Cameron’s vision and talent? Yes, of course. What she created was unique and had potential to grow in many directions. Joe was more worried that her shortsightedness and stubbornness at the moment might be the things that will bring her down. AI was more than just games. To be honest he had his doubts about Phoenix’s future, but he would never tell her that. Right now her bubble was still intact and that was what mattered, as Gordon had said before all there is is now, he’ll let her enjoy the ride.

Joe handed to Cameron her bag from the back seat as she was fixing her hair in the review mirror.

“Got everything you need?” Joe asked.

“Yep. Thanks for the ride.” Cam put her bag on her shoulder with one hand and with the other she held her steaming coffee. One last look in the mirror and she was ready to go.

A new car parked next to them. A red Toyota Tercel’95. From her got out a plump man with baby pink T-shirt and dark sunglasses. He almost passed them but stopped in his tracks and turned completely towards them, took off his glasses, his jaw dropped and a loud gasp left his mouth. He opened it a few times trying to say something but no words came out. The man pointed with two fingers at his eyes and then pointed Cam with them in a gesture that spoke _“I see you”._ What followed could only be described as a small happy dance which included a series of uncoordinated movements with his arms. He then burst into laughter and hurried up the stairs.

“Oh boy, here we go…” Cam was not looking towards the explanations she’d have to give inside after this spectacle.

Joe looked at her with amusement.

“A colleague, I assume.”

“Yes, that was Jerry from Graphic Design. He’s genius in his field but the guy loves to gossip way too much,” Cam shook her head. “That was so not what I wanted after skipping work for two days.”

“He seemed cool, I liked his shirt.” Joe gave her a smirk.

“He is. Anyway, good luck today with your interview! ” She kissed him on the lips, a quick peck.

“Thank you, you too with your…” he waved a hand at the building, “ …thing. I’ll see you tonight.”

“Yes, bye. Oh, and call me to tell me how the interview went. Love you.”

“Sure. Love you too.”

Cam stepped out of the car, closed the door after her and inhaled deeply before heading towards the entrance.

As he watched her climbing the stairs Joe started the engine again.

_Time for new a start._

The black Porsche drove down the road leaving a cloud of dust behind.

* * *

 

Catherine Howe hated explaining herself, she was never good with words or with people for that matter. And as she stood in front of the door of her company, she knew she had to do exactly that. She could already hear muffled conversations from inside followed by a series of laughter and whistling. Damn Jerry! 

_Let’s do this_.

She opened the door and every pair of eyes in the main hall fell on her. All conversations died and suddenly everybody was super busy.

“So, the lady boss is finally back! How was the vacation? Did you get some… rest? Met someone new?” Jerry spoke with a big smile on his face and gave a high five to the guy next to him – Nathaniel.

Someone laughed and badly tried to cover it with coughing. 

“None of your business. Everybody back to work!” Cam took off her coat and passed them. Although she really couldn’t hide the growing smile on her face.

Cam walked in her office and plopped onto her chair. Her glass doors closing behind her. Actually she kept all the glass from Comet’s days. She liked it, it gave transparency to things. There were no barriers like before in Mutiny.  Her six employees were all in the main hall with desks put in a circle. That way there was always communication, sharing ideas and obviously… gossip.

She sighed.

A knock on the door.

“Can I come in?” It was Mike, her assistant. He was in his late 20s, tall with short brown hair and he always dressed way too formal for their laid back work environment.

“Sure.” He was already halfway in.

“You didn’t tell us you’re going to take some days off.” He started.

“Oh, that… yeah, I wasn’t really planning it. Did anything important happen that I should know about?” She asked him as she sipped from her coffee.

“Well, Simon Cornwell called to discuss the new marketing strategy, a few calls - none of them of importance… Oh, miss Emerson called Monday morning.” Mike answered as he looked at his notepad.

“Donna? Did she say anything?”

“To call her back. Also she said if you didn’t come to work that we shouldn’t disturb you and you’d probably show up soon… Now we know what she meant. ” He grinned and raised his brows meaningfully.

Cam gave him a look. “Not you too, Jerry is bad enough.”

Mike raised his hands defensively. 

“Hey, we’re all happy for you. I don’t think I ever saw you with someone or heard of you being in relationship. Honestly I thought you had no social life, with all this work and deadlines… ”

“Well, thanks. I guess.” She turned on her computer. “Hey, did you fix the bug with-”

“Yes, we did.” He gave her a proud smile.

“You’re awesome.” She returned the smile. “Which reminds me, give this to Yuki on your way out,” she handed him a disk. “That’s the new upgrade, I finished it Saturday, it should run smoothly but she can double check it.”

When Mike opened the door to leave, Jerry popped his head inside with a grin on his chubby face, which now was red from all the laughing, his eyes glistening.

“Hey, boss… I saw his Porsche! I didn’t see his face but he looked like a catch!”

“Don’t you have a job?!” Jesus, he was so annoying.

“I’m waiting for Nathaniel to finish the coding for the new features so that I can continue and in the meantime… When will we meet him?”

She sighed loudly.

“Probably soon.”

“Is he hot?” Jerry made a fanning motion with his hand.

“Out! Now!”

* * *

 

John Bosworth was a happy man. These days he enjoyed every minute of every day and grabbed with full hands of what life had to offer him. The married life was better than what he remembered from his first marriage, or maybe the person was better. He and Diane had clicked right away, they both knew what they wanted, had their priorities straight and were ready to find someone with whom to share life.

It wasn’t easy, but nothing in life ever is. Diane was strong and powerful woman and the fact that she did better in business than him hadn’t helped but at the end none of that mattered. It took a tragedy for them to realize that they had no time to waste and life was too short to worry over meaningless things. They had to enjoy every second of what they had left. So he stopped fighting to stay in the business and found pleasure in his retirement. Bos had a good life, not everyone got a second, a third and even a forth chance like Bos did. And along his journey he created connections with people he now was proud to call a family.

Bosworth was driving to Cameron’s house, he was singing along to Conway Twitty’s “Red neckin', love makin' night” and tapping with fingers on the steering wheel.

_Well it's a red neckin', love makin' night_  
You ain't had much 'til you been touched in the moonlight  
You feel it the most when you get real close and you hold on tight  
It's a red neckin', love makin' night  
It's a red neckin', love makin' night

_Stars in your eyes, the wind in your hair  
Oh, what a down home love affair_

Hell, he still missed Texas. All of the traveling in the last couple of years made him a little homesick, maybe he and Diane should visit his son soon…

John finally arrived and parked his truck. What he saw next surprised him, right next to Cameron’s car was Joe’s shiny black Porsche. What was **he** doing here?  

_Oh, well, past is always lurking behind us…_

Bos wasn’t expecting anyone to be home, he knew Cam must be at work, but that wasn’t a problem since she’d given him a key a long time ago. Last week she asked him for a favor and of course he agreed, that’s way he came.

He got out of the car and took his tool box from the trunk.

Bos knocked on the front door.

Joe opened.

_Pause._

“John?” Macmillan was visibly surprised by the guest.

“Well, hell… glad to see you too.”

“Um, yeah… Cameron’s not here but if you want I can give her a call.”

“That’s alright, that’s alright. I didn’t expect her to be home. She asked me to take a look at the bathroom on the second floor, it kept drippin’ she said. ” Bos explained lifting his tool box.

“Oh.. come in then.” Joe stepped out of the way.

Bos made two steps inside and took a look around.

“Beer?” Joe asked, obviously not very comfortable with the whole situation. They saw each other at the dinner for the Haley’s birthday but never really had a chance to talk.

“Sure, sure.” Bos took of his jacket and watched as Joe opened the fridge. The younger man was wearing jeans and a loose white t-shirt. He looked… at home. “So, you two…?”

“Ah, I guess…” Joe handed him the beer.

“Heh…” Bos shook his head. “I’d tell you I’m surprised but not really. Life has a funny way, you know, you think something’s over for good and then it turns back right at you and bites you on the ass. Didn’t take you long, did ya? ”

“It’s hard to live just with pictures and memories, John. It wasn’t easy for either of us…”

“I’m sure… ” Bos gave him a look. “Listen, Joe, I know you and I know Cameron. Things with you are always complicated but you care for each other. I told you before, you’re a changed man. I know why you let her go, you didn’t want to hold her down, did ya? You wanted things but she looked in different direction, so you let her pursue her carrier. Now, I didn’t like the way you did it, because I know how hard it was for her, but I get it.”

“I wasn’t ready to… not after… I needed time…”

“Hey now, I know. It hard to stay and it’s hard to go, but you make choices and live with the consequences. It comes a time when all you can do is to hope it will get better and at the end you make compromises with yourself… I’m glad you’re not a stranger, Joe.” Bos smiled and patted Joe on the back. They never were best buddies, but behind the tough mask Bosworth could recognize his good soul.

“Yeah, you want things but in chasing them you lose what you already have... It was hard to let go of the future that I wanted, that’s why I searched other ways to fulfill this… need, but it was harder to live without her. So, you’re right, you learn to make compromises with yourself and put your needs aside and hope this time it will work out. And I’m not getting any younger so…” Joe said and clinked their bottles.

“I wouldn’t go that far. You both just needed time because back then you were at different places. Now… it’s different. Time changes people and age has a way of tempering us all. So who knows… maybe she’ll surprise you. ”

“I wouldn’t bet on that,” Joe gave a sad smile. “Cameron will always be Cameron, she’s a free spirit and I always loved and admired that about her. Maybe it was wrong of me to try and put her in a box…”

“Well, Joe, time will show. For now enjoy the present and deal with problems one at a time. You know what recursion is?” Bos asked as he put down his bottle on the kitchen table.

“Yeah…” Joe took his last sip of the beer.

“Great. But just so you know, I don’t care how much she loves you, if you hurt her again or force her into doing something that she doesn’t want, I’ll break your legs.” Bos patted his tool box. “Come on now, let me see that bathroom. I miss the old days when the water pipes used to be high quality, what they do now…My God!” he shook his head with disapproval. 

Bos started climbing the stairs. “You know anything about plumbing, Joe?”

“No, not really.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is for Gordo.

_ Four months later _

It was getting dark as Joe parked his car next to Cameron’s truck outside of their home. She wasn’t alone, Donna’s car was here.

_Just great. She’s here again._

Even though the two of them found some middle ground, he still didn’t trust her. There was something about her that… seemed off to him. And the fact that these days Donna occupied most of Cameron’s free time didn’t help.  

He sighed.

Today was hard and exhausting at the university, and Joe had some papers to go through tonight. He enjoyed the work there, all these young talents. Joe learned a lot from them actually, the process of acquiring knowledge was mutual. The thought of guiding the next big genius made him smile. He didn’t fight for control there and was out of the rat race, yet somehow something was missing. He loved the thrill, the danger and the excitement of the unknown, but at the same time was tired of chasing… the future? Maybe he simply doesn’t know what he wants, maybe this fight in him will never stop and he’ll always be torn apart inside. Never satisfied, never fulfilled.

He pulled the briefcase and his coat from the trunk of his Porsche. These dirty roads really weren’t built for his car. Should he buy picap again?

Joe opened the front door, walked through the living room and peeked inside the kitchen. The women were sitting around the table with spread papers everywhere.

“I’m telling you, that’s not right… Just think about it!” Donna argued.

“So what should I do, huh? Just wait?” Cam was obviously upset.

“No, of course not. That’s not what I said. But what you suggested is not the solution – oh, hi, Joe.” Donna stopped when she saw Macmillan leaning against the door frame. She got up and hurriedly started collecting the papers.

“Hi, I’m not interrupting, am I? What are you working on?” Joe walked passed them and went to the sink to fill himself a glass of water. He took a sip and watched them over the edge of the glass.

“Nothing.” Cam furrowed her eyebrows, shook her head and closed the last folder with agitation.

Donna looked at Cam, then at Joe and made a wincing face. This wasn’t right.

“Okay, guys, I have to hit the road. The girls are probably home by now.” She waved and closed the door behind her.

Joe took another sip and stared continuously at Cameron as she moved around the room. He didn’t like this. She was hiding something and was keeping him at arm’s length.

“What was this all about?” he tried again.

“Nothing, Joe. Okay? Just leave it be.” She stormed out of the room.

He angrily emptied the last of the water in the sink put the glass in the dishwasher. This wasn’t the first time she refused to talk about what was happening. Two weeks she avoided the subject of what was bothering her and it was obviously something she could share with Donna and not with him. He was patient but she was testing him really hard. Again. They were falling into the old patterns and he wasn’t happy. Why the hell wound she shut him off like that?

He already told her he wouldn’t interfere with her work, she didn’t need to be so defensive. He wouldn’t force himself in hers and Donna’s exclusive club. This tension was seriously starting to affect their personal life. She was starting to build slowly but surely barriers around her.

What if it wasn’t work but something else that bothered her?

* * *

 

 

“Aargh…” Cam buried hands in her blond locks.

Everything was slowly sinking. She could see the warning sign.

She’d have to think of something fast.  

She couldn’t tell Joe. Not yet.

_Damn it._

Maybe she should ask him for help?

No.

She could do this alone, the decision was hers to make.

 

* * *

 

“Good morning,” Cameron said as she entered the kitchen. There sipping his coffee and reading students’ papers sat Joe. He was wearing his sweat pants and shirt from the night before. 

“Morning,” he never lifted his head to look at her, just turned the next page of the file.

He was mad. She bit her lip.

“You didn’t come to bed last night…”

“I had some paperwork to finish, I guess I’ve fallen asleep on the couch.” Still no eye contact.

“Oh… Okay.” She went to the coffee machine and filled a cup for herself.

Joe continued to ignore her.

“Donna invited us for Christmas… She asked if we had plans for the holidays and I said no.”

“Hmm…”

“Bos and Diane will be in Texas, so it would be just us and the girls.”

“Good.” He took another sip from his cup and then put it on the table. Joe got up and started collecting the papers and organizing them in neat piles. After he was done, the tall man looked her straight in the eyes. “Cameron, you’ve been hiding something from me for 2 weeks now. And you keep avoiding me... Do you have anything you want to tell me?”

She blinked twice and bit her lip again.

“No.” Stubborn.

He continued to watch her for a few more seconds, searching for answers in these big eyes.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought…” He smiled bitterly and left the room. Was he losing her again? 

She stared at the empty space where he had been. He had no idea how hard this was for her and how time was pushing her mercilessly.

* * *

 

 

After his classes were over Joe decided to visit the place that he hadn’t had the courage to visit for three years now. Coming here would have meant that he accepted that Gordon was gone and he wasn’t ready to let go the only person that he could call a friend.

But things were starting to slip from his grip again. The perfect picture in his head started to crack little by little and he didn’t have anybody to talk to. He needed comfort, he needed to talk with his best friend. Just to share with someone what was bothering him. Even if that someone was just there to listen.

With sweaty palms and lump in his throat, Joe stood in front of Gordo’s gravestone.

 

**_GORDON CLARK_ **

_Wonderful husband, The best father,_

_A good friend and Brilliant engineer._

_We miss you very much and love you dearly_ _._

_To the world you may have just been somebody,  
but to all of us you were the world._

 

 

_Oh, God, how could he do this?_

He had trouble breathing, his eyes stung and he could feel cold sweat running down his back. Joe stood there paralyzed.

How should he start?

He took a deep breath.

“Hello, old friend.

 I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner. I… ” he stopped, swallowed a few times and shook his head.

“I guess it was hard for me to accept that you’re gone… And we all knew it was going to happen sooner or later, you know, when you were hurting you always told me it was going to become worse, so you could prepare me for when the time comes but… There’s nothing that can prepare a person for that. ” His eyes were full of unshed tears.

“You don’t need to worry, Donna is fine and the girls are doing great. They’ve turned into beautiful young women, both brilliant at what they do- Haley in coding and Joani in photography. You would have been proud to see them so grown up. They are million years ahead of all of us, the future indeed. They are just… perfect. ” A smile on his lips and a lonely tear fell down his cheek. It felt so good to talk to him again.

“I haven’t seen Katie since… Comet. I left town and didn’t know what to say to her.”

“I don’t know if you’ve heard but I’m a professor now,” he laughed. “I know, I wouldn’t believe it too. But it feels nice to see and guide the next generation. You know, my battle for control ended. And it felt pointless to lead the battle without you anyways… ” Joe was quiet for a few seconds.

“Gordon, are you okay? I’ve studied different religions with different beliefs about life and death… I don’t know if you’re out there, listening. Some believe that a soul reincarnates, some believe that there’s nothing after that, you just disappear. Some say that there’s heaven and hell… I want to believe that there’s something more after our life here, that there’s a chance to meet you again. Our time went so fast and if I had the chance I would change things and fix so many mistakes I made.” Joe was crying, the motion shook his whole body and finally it brought him to his knees in the dirt.

“Gordon, I tried to change. But it feels like I’m entering the old loop again. Cameron and I decided to try one more time, yes, I know – trainwreck. But I couldn’t do it - living without her, not thinking about her. Is this a mistake? Will I fail again?

I’m tired, Gordon. I’m tired of losing every battle, even the ones I didn’t know I was fighting. Every time I’m wrong, always the wrong time, always the wrong place. I just don’t want to be… alone. To die alone. I don’t want to end up like my dad. I want family, people that care for me and I for them, I want connection.

I’m so afraid that this is never going to happen, that I don’t deserve it…

And I miss you. Every day I look at you picture at my desk and think of the old times. You taught me so much about life and friendship, Gordon. I’m so thankful that I met you in Cardiff all these years ago. You and Cameron are the closest thing I have to family. Thank you for looking out for me for all of these years. Hardships have come and gone, but you've been there the whole time. I never had siblings but I’m proud to call you a brother.

I miss you, Gordon.

I always will. ”

By now he knew enough about loss to realize that you never really stop missing someone-you just learn to live around the huge gaping hole of their absence. But he just wanted one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time when he thought his best friend would be here forever.

Joe stood a long time in the middle of the cemetery, with tears running down his face.

And these tears shed for another person were not a sign of weakness.

 

They were a sign of a **pure heart**. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Christmas came a little early for our characters... Oh, well...

 

Cameron stood in front of the mirror in her bedroom applying mascara and fixing her hair with fingers. She wore a big fluffy blue sweater and jeans.

“Are you ready?” Joe’s reflection appeared in the mirror. He was leaning again the door frame with crossed arms over his chest.

“Yeah, let me just grab my coat.” Cam turned around and grabbed her purse from the bed. “Did you put all the gifts in the car?”

“Mhm.” He clenched his jaw as if wanting to say something but thought better of it.

With two steps Cam was next to him with a small smile on her lips.

“Okay, I’m ready.”

“Good.”  

Cameron paused, studying him in the silence.

“Joe, it’s fucking Christmas. Stop giving me the silent treatment. Let’s talk about it.”

“Okay, let’s talk about it. Why don’t you start first.” Joe looked her straight in eyes, challenging her.

Cam averted her eyes from his handsome face and started nervously to play with her hands. When she spoke next, her voice was softer.

“I told you, there’s nothing to tell.”

**_Liar._ **

“Right. That’s what I thought...” He didn’t give her a second glance when he turned around and exited their bedroom. Only his angry steps down the stairs echoed in the house.

The driving to Donna’s house was spent in silence.    

* * *

 

 

Donna heard knocking and hurriedly took the last few steps to the front door. They were here. When she opened the door she was greeted by a smiling Cameron and a stiff not so happy Joe, who handed her a bottle of wine.

“Oh, you didn’t have to do that! Come on in, come on in!”

Cameron already passed her and took a look around. The whole house was in decorations and a big Christmas tree stood in the corner of the living room.

“I guess we should put the gifts there?” Cam said pointing towards the tree.

“Huh? Oh, yeah.”

“Where are the girls?” asked Joe as he took off his coat and extended a hand to take Cameron’s too.

“Upstairs in Joanie’s room. Doing… whatever they’re doing.” Donna waved a hand. “Okay, um, you can pour yourselves a drink and feel like home. I’m going to check really quickly how’s my pumpkin pie in the oven.” A sudden beeping filled the house and Donna laughed. “Right on time. I’ll be right back.”

Joe and Cameron stood awkwardly in the middle of the room. She went to the table and took a bottle in her hand reading the label. Cam was the first one to break the silence between them.

“Wine?” she asked as she picked two glasses.

“No, I’m good.”

She paused and sighed.

“Joe, this is getting ridiculous. It’s Christmas, can’t we - ”

“I’m going to check on the girls.” He cut her off and left the room.

Cameron blinked twice and bit her lip. So far this Christmas was going just great. She filled her glass with wine, maybe a little too much than what normally she’d drink and took a sip. If he kept up his behavior, it was going to be a long night. She guessed she brought this upon herself, but damn it was fucking Christmas. She wished she could forget about everything just for a day. Where the hell was her Christmas miracle?        

Donna entered the room with a tray on which lay the biggest turkey that Cameron have ever seen and it looked delicious. The redhead put the tray in the center of the table, lit some of the candles and took a glass for herself. Wow, that woman really could do it all – powerful business woman and a perfect housewife. If only Cam had half of her finesse…

“What happened with Joe? Did he disappear?”

“Yeah, Christmas elves came from under your huge tree and kidnaped him.”

“Come on, it’s not that big, is it?” Donna eyed the tree and the thousand blinking lights that decorated it.

“Donna, you can hide elephant under it.” Cam laughed and her friend made a face.

“Seriously though, where’s Joe?”

“Went to see the girls.” Cam nodded towards the stairs.

Donna stared at her friend for a few seconds.

“Are you two doing okay?”

“Perfect.” Cam answered and took a big gulp of her wine.

“Have you told him yet?”

“No.”

* * *

 

 

Joe knocked on the door of Joanie’s bedroom and opened it without waiting for a reply from the other side. He found the two young women laying in bed, hands intertwined and both looking towards the ceiling with misty eyes. As soon as he walked in the room they both got startled, sat up and hurriedly dried their eyes.

“Jesus, don’t barge in like that!” Joanie looked angry.

“Joe? When did you and Cam come?” Haley swept her shoulder length hair backwards away from her face.

“What’s wrong?” He loved them like his own daughters and when he saw them like that, alone and hurting, it broke his heart. They were supposed to be happy on this bright holiday.

“None of your business.” Joanie turned her back on him. Despite the harsh words her voice was soft and at the end broke.

“It’s dad…”Haley bowed her head and looked at the ground.

“Haley!” The bigger sister turned around and slapped her lightly on the back.

“Aw! What?!”

“I understand... I miss him too.” Joe pulled a chair next to them and sat down. He looked so tired, his eyes became hollow and he smiled sadly. “I think we all do.”

“Yeah…” Joanie agreed.

“It’s been nearly four years since he died, but…it’s just so hard around the holidays. That’s when you feel it, when the whole family is supposed to be together. But he is not here and he’ll never be again. There’s just this huge hole that… ” Haley didn’t continue her thought, she couldn’t because of the big lump in her throat.

Joe could only nod at that. He agreed with her and frankly he didn’t know what to say to make them feel better. He never faced such situation before, he didn’t have to. All of his life he’s been alone and tried to cope with lost as best as he could, alone. He simply didn’t have somebody to share his grief with.

“You know, Joe, every year around the Christmas holidays we went on vacation somewhere with him. Every fucking year. And I hated it, God, I hated it so much! Dad always chose some stupid places with stupid boring activities, “becoming one with the nature” he said. Now… ” Joanie swallowed thickly before continuing. “Now, I’d give everything to spend one more night with him in a fucking tent in the middle of nowhere.”

“Oh, yeah, he really loved these kinds of things, didn’t he?” Joe laughed while memories of the old days came rushing back. “He convinced me to celebrate with him his 40th camping in the forest. He really loved camping…”

Everyone was quiet for a few moments. Remembering Gordon was so easy, he left such a strong imprint in his beloved lives. He was never perfect, he did a lot of mistakes, but at the end he was human who found the secret of love. He learned to love people in different ways, to love them better, and to always put friends and family first. Joe firmly believed that brought him inner peace in his last days.

“I don’t know what to tell you. I’ve never had such a strong connection with my father. He was… we were always fighting, never really got each other. We were so different. But when he passed I felt this emptiness and regret that I didn’t reconnect with him while I still had time and try to understand him better. When you lose someone, especially family, all your differences and fights suddenly feel insignificant. I blamed myself, what if I had done this or that differently, but I couldn’t turn back the time… The most painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said. And that hurts the people that remain behind. Life goes on, but it’ll never be the same. It can’t be. ” Joe stopped and looked the girls in the eyes before continuing.

“What I do know is that your father would have destroyed the world for you two. He was a brilliant engineer but you were his greatest creation. He loved you so much. He never really knew how to show it but he did, with all his heart. And Gordon accepted you for who you really were, with all of your craziness, your flaws, your bitchy attitude at times, your sexuality, everything. And he was so proud of you. And if he could see you today, in what beautiful young women his little girls turned into, he’d be proud now too.”                

Joe got up from the chair and extended his arms a little awkwardly towards the girls for a hug. It felt foreign. It was so different when he sought comfort with Cameron, it was still intimate but there was always a sexual spark. Now, standing in front of … family, yes, that’s what they were, he lost his usual confidence.

What surprised him was the girls’ reaction. They didn’t even hesitate when they went straight into his arms. Four arms wrapped tightly around him. Haley and Joanie needed this… connection just as much as he did. For them he wasn’t just a friend of their dad, he was the person they grew up with. With time he turned into cool uncle, a father figure. Joe was never going to fill the hole where Gordon was once, but he was here for them. And in their world surrounded by powerful and strong women maybe a little testosterone was needed.

Joe cleared his throat and wiped his misty eyes.

“I think it’s time we go downstairs and celebrate. There’re a lot of presents under that gigantic Christmas tree of yours.”

“Oh, God. I know, it’s so extra! But you know mom, everything is about appearance with her.” Joanie shook her head.

* * *

 

 

The dinner was delicious. Good wine, tasty food and a relaxed conversations filled the time.  At some point Donna played  a record with Christmas themed songs, just gentle music as a background. Which Joanie immediately thought was very lame, but everyone caught her every now and then to softly sing along.    

Now everyone stood around the tree opening gifts. Donna and the girls mainly received clothes and perfumery.

It was time for Joe and Cameron to exchange theirs. With this tension in the last couple of weeks, they’re really not sure of the other’s reaction. Hopefully finally the gap between them would get smaller.

Cameron proceeded to open her gift first. It was a box with pale pastel green wrapping. She quickly stole a look at Joe’s direction and smirked to herself. He knew she loved the color.

She tore away the thin paper and opened the box. Cam pulled out what was inside and got quiet. Joe got her old records and cassettes. These all were albums that he remembered she listened to back in their days in Cardiff. Some she already had, others she had liked from his collection in his apartment but never got the chance to keep. What caught her eye was one record in particular – Pixies’ Bossanova. With red marker the song “Velouria” was circled.

_That song, that dance, that unforgettable moment._

That was the beginning of their new start, when all facades came crumbling down and they could look into each other’s eyes without pretend and old grudges in their way.

“I… know that music is special in your life, that you seek solace in it. It helps you to find your head. I wanted to show you that even though I said it, I’m not bothered by it. I like the fact that you’re loud, my world has been silent for way too long.”

“Joe, that’s… Thank you so much, it means a lot,” Cameron swallowed thickly and put aside the box with all its contents.  She ran her hands through her hair, holding it back off her face with her hands on her head and breathed deeply. Then she clapped her hands and handed Joe his present.

“Okay, now’s your turn!” She said with a bright smile on her lips.

Joe returned the smile finding her enthusiasm amusing. “Okay, bring it on!” He laughed out loud.

His box was smaller, wrapped in dark blue. What was inside made him blink twice, he pulled out of the box a polaroid camera and two albums for photos- one empty and the other one full.

“I know you are all about human touch and making memories, because at the end of the day it’s people that matter, right? In the album I collected photos from everyone that you’ve touched over the years. Not every person thinks of you as a heartless salesman, Joe. You’ll be surprised in how many hearts you’ve found place. Anyway, when I reached out them, they send not only a photo but also a little message for you. In there you’ll find our photos, of course, photos of all employees of Comet, of Debbie, of a few coders from Mutiny that worked before in Cardiff, of Dale Butler, of Barry Shields, you remember Barry right, you know, with the balls on his face, of Sara, that was an awkward conversation to have, of your students in Armonk…” Cameron stopped for a moment to take a deep breath before continuing. “And the camera and the empty album are for us, I want to create more happy memories with you and capture them forever in photos. So one day, after many many years, when we’re old and we open this album we’d be able to look back at the passed time with smile on our faces.” Cameron was nervous throughout her little speech, she played with her hands a lot and licked her lips a few times.

God, how much he loved this woman.

Joe leaned for a kiss which Cam gladly returned. And they would have deepened it if it wasn’t for Joanie’s smart remark.

“Jeez, get a room.”

The couple laughed and pulled away from each other.

“Okay, that was very sweet and just as much awkward to watch.”  Haley’s face was all red and she couldn’t look anyone in the eyes. “Um, Joe, can you come in the other room I want to talk with you for a second?”

“Yeah, yeah, sure.” He looked surprised for a second, but then nodded and followed her.

* * *

 

 

Haley turned around and waited for Joe to close the door after him.

“What you said earlier means a lot to me and Joanie -”  

“Haley, there’s no need to- ”

“No. It’s not that… Um, we never talked about it and pretended it didn’t happen, but it did and I want to apologize for the way I behaved… you know, before you left for Armonk. I know you wanted to help, help me and help Comet. I said things that I didn’t mean. I am sorry for that.” Her hands were behind her back and her eyes didn’t leave the ground.

He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. That was a long time ago, did she think that he was mad about that exchange between them.  

“Haley, I know it was hard for you. I never blamed you in any way for the way you reacted. You were right, it was insensitive of me to make that ad and... ”

“No, I… That’s the thing. After some time of thinking and processing, I understood that it was something my father was just as passionate about as you were and he would have wanted it to air. Also I … would really like to have it, if you’ve kept it, of course. We have a lot of dad’s pictures but not all of them are recent and it would be… really nice to see him and hear his voice again.” She blinked a few times, not willing to let the tears fall again. Enough crying for tonight.

_That’s what this was about_. Finally Joe understood.  He put a hand on her slender shoulder and looked at her with gentle eyes.

“Of course, I’ll give it to you. I’ve kept it, it’s one of the few things that I’ve left of him.”          

* * *

 

 

Right before Joe entered the kitchen to get Cameron and go home he heard muffled conversation. The two women were on the table sipping wine and Cam was looking at her glass with sadness.               

“Two weeks tops. I don’t think we’re gonna make it.” She said as she swirled the liquid inside the glass.

“Don’t say that…” Donna tried to argue but her face betrayed her.

“Well, it’s true.” Cameron finished the rest of the wine in one gulp.

_Wait. What is that supposed to mean? Was she talking about them?_ Half an hour ago she told him she wanted to create memories with him, to build future together. They really needed to have this goddamn conversation and soon. She couldn’t avoid this anymore even if she wanted to. They’ll talk but not tonight, tonight was perfect and he didn’t want to stain it with a fight and shouting.

Donna was about to say something but Joe entered the room and she stopped.

“Donna, thank you for the wonderful evening, but I think it’s time to go.” Joe said as he very carefully watched hers and Cameron’s reaction. The blond woman got up from her chair and fixed the invisible wrinkles on her sweater with hands.

“Yes, it’s getting late. Thank, Donna! Everything was delicious!”

“Oh, please, the pleasure was all mine. I’m happy that we spend the holiday together, and I’m sure the girls enjoyed it too.” The redhead walked them to the door and handed their coats.

“Okay, I guess I’ll see you Monday, right?” Donna asked as she leaned against the door frame.

“Yeah, I guess.”

Cameron didn’t sound excited at all for her return in Phoenix next week.

The time was flying way too fast for her liking.


	8. Chapter 8

Cameron woke up late the next day. Her eyes slowly pealed open and smile played on her face. All of her limbs felt weak but in a good relaxed way. She forgot for a second about all problems and her body used it to release the built up stress. Last night was good, it could have been a lot worse given the tension between her and Joe. Thankfully the ice broke during the diner and the gift exchange. She extended her arm towards his side of the bed and wasn’t surprised when she didn’t find him there. He hated oversleeping, one time he said to her that it was a waste of time and it didn’t make him feel productive.

Cam picked herself up off the bed and took a look around the room. On the chair next to the window were her comfortable home clothes and she almost reached towards them, but then decided against it. This was one of these mornings where you felt entirely too lazy to even put on clothes, so for now her T-shirt and Joe’s boxers would do.

Barefooted, Cameron entered the kitchen to grab a steaming cup of coffee, aka her best friend in the morning. When she took her first sip she sighed softly in contentment. On the wooden table in a white plate stood a few pretzels from the day before, she took one in her hand and carefully looked it over. Cam brought it to her nose, sniffed and shrugged her shoulders. It didn’t smell bad so she took a bite from it.

Noises from the living room caught her attention. She heard paper shifting noises and a deep chuckle. She headed that way, opened the door and leaned against the door frame. Cam saw Joe sitting on the floor, back against the wall and legs stretched out, going through the album she gave him. He still hasn’t felt her presence, his whole attention on the photos before him, and that made her smile and feel warm inside.

“G’morning, Mr. Macmillan.”

“It’s more like Good afternoon.” Joe lifted his head and gave her a smirk.

With a few steps she got to him and sat on the floor on the empty space on his left. Cameron kissed his shoulder and after that gently laid her head on it. One look at his lap and she could see the photo he was looking – Lev with crossed arms, raised eyebrow and a big toothy smile. On the right corner there was a writing “Happy Christmas, General Eyebrows! You were a total psycho, but it was fun working with you! P.S. Thanks for visiting me in the hospital.”

Joe pointed at the written text and turned his head towards her.

“General Eyebrows? Was that my nickname or something?”

“Yeah, all the coders called you that.” Cameron laughed at the memory. Joe blinked, confused. 

“Why?”

“Because…” She pointed with one finger at his eyebrows, like that was enough of an explanation, and burst into laughter again. Joe only shook his head in amusement and put an arm around her shoulders.

“You told him about the hospital visit?”

“Yeah. He was really surprised at the time. I think it touched him and that was the first time he realized you had a heart. Before that he really didn’t like you very much…” she stopped for a second and bit his shoulder playfully with big smile on her face. “The coders really loved talking trash about you.  But that was because they liked me too much, I’m just that awesome.”

“Ha-ha, very funny. What does he do now?”

“I’m not sure. I know he and Yo-yo tried the VC business but it didn’t work out. When I last heard from him he was on vacation with his boyfriend.”

“That’s good.” Joe nodded.

“The failure in VC?” Cameron looked him with fake shocked expression which made Joe smile in return.

“No, the boyfriend part.”

“Yeah, it’s always good when you find love…” Cam turned to the next page of the album and there was Reggie from Comet, wearing a Christmas hat and giving a big thumbs-up to the camera.

But Joe stopped looking at the album and focused entirely on her. His eyes traced every feature of her face with longing, love and a hint of sadness. He took off his arm from her shoulders and then licked his lips before speaking.

“Do you love me, Cameron?”

That caught her off guard and she looked at him with big eyes.

“Of course I do. Where did that come from?”

“You tell me,” Joe clenched his jaw and waited for her response.

Cam looked at him with confusion and shook her head.

“I really don’t know what you mean by that, Joe.”

“Your conversation with Donna last night.” His response was a little snappier than he intended but she was trying to avoid the problem again and he wasn’t having it this time.

His tone made her frown and she sighed getting up on her feet and crossing her arms.

“Okay, Joe, you should try being a little more specific.” She narrowed her eyes at him.

“Oh, I don’t know, Cameron… Maybe the one when you said it was over between us? Or you gonna pretend it never happened?” He got up too and now was towering over her and making her feel small.

“I never said such thing!” She stood her ground.

“You did! You said we’re not gonna make it. _Two weeks tops_.”

Realization washed over her face making her eyes widen for a second and then fill with sadness.

“It wasn’t like that…” Cam looked at the ground. That’s it. They were going to talk about this and the worst part was she didn’t feel very confident approaching the topic wearing underwear. His underwear. _Damn it._

“Really?! I don’t see why you keep - ”

“What I said wasn’t about us…”

Joe took a step back realizing he was making her uncomfortable. He sighed trying to calm himself before continuing.

“Who then?”

… She couldn’t meet his eyes.

“Who’s not going to make it, Cam?”

“Phoenix.” She said softly.

“Phoenix?!” _What the hell?_ Was she telling the truth? If that was it, why was she hiding if from him? He studied her face looking for the answer.

“Yes, Joe. PHOENIX! Are you happy now?” With that she turned around and with angry steps left the room. He only stared after her not really understanding the reason behind her outburst.

* * *

 

 

Two hours later he stood in front of her trailer. Her little safe bubble, where she hid when something went wrong. He knocked on the door and when no response came, Joe let himself in.

She sat on her bed just staring right ahead. Cam saw that he entered but didn’t acknowledge him in any way.

Joe sighed and sat next to her.

“Do you want to talk about this?”

“No.”

“Okay, let’s talk about this… What’s wrong?” At that Cameron rolled her eyes, took a deep breath and with hands pulled the hair away from her face and then held them on her neck.

“Phoenix… isn’t doing so well.”

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner? Do you have any idea what things went through my head, how worried I was that something was wrong with us? ” He asked softly and put a hand on her back.

“Because my pride didn’t allow it… it’s… complicated. Phoenix , or work in general, was one of the reasons we broke up 3 years ago. And seeing it going down it’s hard to swallow, because suddenly what I was fighting for and for what I sacrificed so much, was a lost cause. And… it’s not just that. You saw it way before I did, you warned me and I didn’t listen. My vision was shortsighted. You were right. Again.”

“You didn’t have to go through this alone, Cam. That’s why we are together, that’s why I’m here – to support you. Why didn’t you ask me for help?”

“How could I? I told you to stay away and not mess with it. And I know you have your own thing and try to not be involved in the whole rat race...” She sighed loudly and squeezed her eyes shut.

Joe kissed the top of her head but didn’t lift his lips after that, he just stood there breathing her scent.

 A minute of silence followed. 

“How bad is it?”

She widened her eyes, as she often did when she felt like she was going crazy, and something mixed between a breath and laughter came from her mouth.

“Very bad. Like, we are royally screwed.”    

“Can we fix it?”

“I honestly don’t know. We’ve lost fifth of our user base, because three new players came out in the last months. And what they offer is not even better, they just put lipstick on it to make it shinier, but… Anyway, we tried using new features, characters and making the game world bigger to improve the experience. Nothing worked. I guess you can widen the map only so much, before the user gets bored.”

“Look, what you created is very good and unique. Try implementing the AI you wrote in something else. You’ve been on the market for three years, you already have loyal base. They’ll follow you. Diversify.”

“You can diversify your business if you actually knew what to do. That’s what my meetings with Donna were for. Pretty much everything that I came up with was already done or in developing by someone else.” Cam sat on the edge of the tiny bed, put her elbows on her knees and held her head in both hands. “Joe, I’m hitting a wall here, I’m not good enough for this.”

“Don’t say that. I know what you are capable of, you are extremely talented, Cam. Everybody hits a wall now and then.”

“Ahh, I don’t know. Maybe I should sell and get out of this before it’s too late.” Cam straightened her back and turned towards Joe. “Give me an advice. Do you think I should quit?”

Joe looked thoughtful for few minutes. He knew how hard new beginnings were for her and how difficult is letting go of your baby when you hear the warning bell. What advice could he give her? He had taken the fatal decision for Comet three years ago, stepped away and found solace in teaching. What about her though? Cameron wasn’t like him. What if the story after Pilgrim repeats and she gets lost again. Or even worse, she decides she’s not good enough and steps out of tech, something she loves dearly and over the years had become part of her.

Joe licked his dry lips.

“I can not make this decision for you, Cam.”

“I know that, I’m just asking for you opinion.” She insisted.

“If you love what you do and see potential in it, then fight for it, if you think it’s a toast - leave it. Some things just can’t be saved.” Joe held her left hand and intertwined their fingers. A small gesture to let her know that he’ll be there for her no matter what her final decision is.

“That’s the hard part. I love it, but I don’t know if it’s toast.” She firmly pressed her lips together. ”Help me.”

Joe sighed and brought her hand to his mouth, gently touching with lips the smooth skin of the back of her hand. That gesture made her reach out and with her lips to touch his in return.

“How about tomorrow morning we have brainstorming together? Maybe something will pop up.”

“Okay. And Joe…” Cam agreed and gently kissed him again. “Thank you.”


	9. Chapter 9

 

Joe stood in front of the small whiteboard with crossed hands. His right hand was squeezing the unused black marker. Eyebrows furrowed in thought and concentration. Cameron was behind him sitting on the sofa with legs underneath her and papers in her hands.

Three hours. They spend three hours in their living room just pitching ideas. The end result was … nothing. The whiteboard was just as empty as when they started.

“Robotic systems?”

“Japan are already ahead on that. Besides I don’t have the capital for something like that, not to mention I’ve lost my only connection in that field.” Cameron said as she chewed the inside of her cheek.

Joe turned his head around. “Really? And who was that?”

“Alexa.” She raised her eyebrows in a way that said ‘you really asked me that’.

“You never really told me what happened there. Why suddenly everything fell apart?”

“It’s a long story, let’s just say we weren’t a good fit.”

“Ahh…” Joe turned his attention to the board again.

“Maybe we should try getting in contact with NASA and talk with them about their Mars exploring programs. They could use AI in missions and with the right prototype we can - ” Cameron started explaining with one hand waving and pointing at the white surface as if something was there.

“You’ve missed that train, they’re working with someone else. Last July NASA executed mission called “Mars pathfinder” and successfully landed the first autonomous robotics system, Sojourner on the surface of Mars. ”

“Sojourner?”

“Mhmm, the rover was named after the American civil rights crusader Sojourner Truth.” Joe took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Damn… I mean, it’s cool but it doesn’t help us.”

Joe sat next to her on the sofa and stretched his long legs.

“Hey, Cam, maybe selling wouldn’t be such a bad idea. Did you get a number?”

“Ten million.”

“Wow... That’s not bad. Hell. Not bad at all.”

“I know. It’s just…. It’s so hard letting go of this.” Cameron got up and wiped her sweaty palms on her jeans. “There has to be something. Anything… I just don’t know what it is, yet. This can’t be the end.”

“If you wait too long your market value will decrease.” Macmillan said matter-of-factly which earned him an annoyed glance from Howe.

“Jeez, thanks, Joe. Uggghhh… AI is the future, I know it, you know it, the whole fucking world knows it! There’re major advances in all areas - machine learning, intelligent tutoring, case-based reasoning, multi-agent planning, scheduling, uncertain reasoning, data mining, natural language understanding and translation, vision, VR, games, and many many more. But… what is missing?”

“Everyone is trying to prove right now how the machines can do anything better than humans – humanoid robots, fast learning, hell, even chess programs that beat world-class players.”

“Well, computers are better. With the right algorithms-”

“Cameron, listen, no one wants to feel inferior next to a machine. Humans are naturally prideful and selfish. What if we look at it from another point of view. We’re still very far away from the Terminator’s days, but maybe people will want something that works _for_ them, not something that threaten their future jobs.”

“You mean something that helps them, makes their life easier.”

“Yes, but at the same time, make them feel in control. Superior.”

“Okay.. but it has to be something that everybody can use.” Cameron tapped twice on her lower lip.

“That saves time…”

“That can plan ahead...”

“That manages correspondence…”

“Maybe even book appointments.”

“That finds information instantly when needed.”

“What we need is…”

“What we need is…”

“Personal assistant.” Both said at the same time. A huge smile appeared on Cam’s face.

“You know, in ’93 IBM tried to do something like that. It was called Simon – a ‘smart phone’. It was able to send and receive faxes, e-mails and cellular pages. Simon featured many applications, including an address book, calendar, appointment scheduler, calculator, world time clock, electronic notepad, handwritten annotations, and standard and predictive stylus input screen keyboards… Anyway, the project didn’t get much attention at the time and they sold like 50 000 units. Stayed on the market only 6 months. But right now, it’s completely different story… With all the opportunities that AI presents…”

“There’s no limit. It could be amazing if done right, of course.” At this point Cameron started pacing excitedly around the room. “Simon, huh?”

“Yeah, that’s what they called it.” Joe watched her carefully from his spot. He always loved to see her brain spinning. That’s what he missed in his life, being so close to Creation, to that spark of madness that striked when the right idea came.

“That’s stupid name.”

“Excuse me?”

“No, not like that. For assistant. You’ll want to name it as someone you can trust, for example Alex or Mike.”

“Mike, like your human assistant at Phoenix?” Joe raised an eyebrow.

“Exactly!” Cameron clapped with hands. “‘Mike, what’s next on my schedule?’ sounds so much better. Don’t tell him that though.”

“Why is it a he? What if it’s a she? Humans tend to trust more females. It’s awful and sexist, but it’s true.”

“Yeah, no, no, you’re right! Makes sense. What will be her name though?”

“Alexa?” Joe asked with a smirk on his face.

“Oh, please…No.” Cameron shook her head. “Lucinda?”

“No. You need something more simple. Like, I don’t know, Anna?”

“Anna? No. What about Eva?”

“Eva?” Joe repeated the name, testing it on his tongue. “Eva it is.”

“Eva, my friend, should have a personality.” Cam put hands on her hips. “And definitely a face. Those can be set up by the user… We’ll make her as computer app that will be connected to internet so she could search the web, when needed. She will be operated through typing commands and even better through voice. What if we make her smart enough so you can lead conversation with her? Joe, can you imagine? We can program thousands and thousands different responses. It will be like talking to a real person, only better, because her productivity will soar. Just think about it. She’ll take dictation, search information on the Internet, she can play the songs you want to hear, or open and search files on your computer, set alarms and reminders, remember notes for you, manage correspondence, read books and much more... ” Cam sat in his lap, put hands on his shoulders and looked at him with sparkling eyes.

The fire in those eyes…

“You’ll need more people, I doubt your six coders will be able to take the heat.” Joe laughed and kissed her on the cheek.

“I’ll hire more grunts.” She bit her lip and nervously looked at his eyes. “Will you help me?”

“Ahh, Cam, we know how this ends…”

“Just at the beginning, this was your idea too. I can’t do this without you. I need you there.”

“I have a job, classes to teach…”

“You can work part- time at Phoenix. I’ll make sure you’ll be well paid.” She kissed him on the neck and whispered in his ear, “besides, what if I get stuck?”

 “Aw, now… that’s a very serious problem.”  Joe bit her shoulder and with deep animal growl, that made his whole chest vibrate, picked her up, her legs around his waist, and carried them to their bedroom. Her light laughter ringing through the whole house.

* * *

 

 

The sheets were cold when he laid her on them. Both removed each piece of clothing eyeing the other one hungrily. The cool air swept over their warm exposed skin, sending chills down her back.

The mattress sank beneath his weight, as he joined her. He covered her smaller frame with his own, skin against skin, and dragged his lips across her collarbone, then her neck, hairline, nose and finally her mouth. The kiss was slow and sensual. She was on her back, head on the pillow and hands buried in his hair.

His lips left her mouth and he started placing open-mouthed kisses down her body. Cameron’s stomach tightened when his breath teased her skin and he started moving dangerously low.

Joe took hold of her long pale legs and parted them, so that his shoulders were between them and she wouldn’t be able to close them even if she wanted to. She looked so beautiful like that, laid before him, completely at his mercy. Joe kissed lovingly both of her inner thighs and she held her breath. Cam could feel his eyes on her, they were burning her in places that she didn’t know could be stimulated without actually touching them.

He ghosted his lips over her core and barely kissed her center. Then a quick swipe with the flat surface of his tongue followed, which managed to lift her back of the bed. Joe closed his mouth on her and sucked tightly. With one hand he held her open for his ministrations and with the other inserted two long fingers in her.

“Ahhh… ” Her hands closed into tight fists and her hips started to move on their own accord.

Music to his ears.

He loved going down on her, his beautiful rebel completely surrendering to the pleasure he gave her. The noises of his mouth and her moans and uneven breathing could be heard in the quiet room.

“Oh, god, don’t stop!” Soon enough she climaxed, squeezing tightly his fingers and gasping for air. She came from her high and turned into a trembling mess and he was there to catch her and to lick up every last sweet drop of her.

He let her calm down with gentle kisses, careful not to stimulate her too much now that she was so sensitive. Joe lifted his head and traced with his tongue wet patterns across her skin moving upwards. When he came to her eyelevel he kissed her, pushing his tongue in her mouth, letting her taste herself.

She was trapped under his heavy weight and was instantly warmed by the feel of his warm skin pressed against her own. Joe’s right hand sneaked between her thighs, teasing her in slow motions, which mimicked the rhythm of his mouth.

Soon they were moving as one, his hips driving possessively and sharply into hers. Cameron left long red trails with her nails down the curve of his back. Finally her hands rested on his bottom, holding him closely, as their lovemaking intensified. Joe picked up the pace.  His thrusts grew harder and deeper. Animalistic growls started leaving his mouth, that vibrated through his chest and made her shake with chills. There was always going to be something wild about Joe, the years managed to tame him, but beneath the calm façade lurked something mystique and dangerous, a spark of passion and insanity.

They locked eyes as he drove into her. Something intimate passed between them as they watched one another. The white light coming in through the window reflected in her big eyes and made them sparkle with the most beautiful mixture of blue and green.

It wasn’t long before Cam reached her climax, hitting her hard at the core of her being. She clung to him as though he was the only solid thing in her world. Soon he followed her in the sweet release and emptied himself in her without care. Joe stood a few minutes above her, gently kissing her neck, until both of them calmed their breathing.

“Oh my god, Joe… that was amazing.” Cameron held his face with the hands and kissed the tip of his nose.

“I’m glad I did not disappoint.” Joe kissed her playfully, which in turn made a small laugh escape her pink swollen lips.

Afraid he might crush her he turned on his back and laid his head on the pillow next to hers. Cam didn’t waste time and put her head on his chest, hand tracing his beautiful scars.

“Joe?”

“Hmm?” his arm wrapped around her shoulder, pulling her closer.

“Will you come and work with me on this?”

“…”

“Please?”

“Okay.”

* * *

 

 

_Two months later_

 

Cameron stood in front of her coders, beer in hand and a big grin plastered on her face. Cheers and applause could be heard in the main hall of Phoenix. Twenty six people, including Joe, celebrated tonight. Behind Cam a big poster “The Rise Of The Phoenix” decorated the wall.

She stepped ahead and made a calming motion with her hand.

“Boss, we love you!” Jerry screamed from the other end of the room, mouth full of cake.

“Okay, okay, guys, calm down! Nathaniel, please turn down the music for a sec?... Thank you. ”

The room got quieter and heads starting turning, soon all the attention was on her.  

“You know I’m not good with speeches. And before anything else,” Cameron lifted her beer high in the air. “Cheers!”

“Wohoo! Cheers!” everyone erupted.

“Thank you all! It’s been a bumpy ride, I know. Especially the end of last year, we were almost erased from the map. Thank you for staying and sticking with the company and its vision. I hope the new ’98 will be less challenging and even more successful. The last two months were hard, this job costed us a lot but every person in this room gave 100% and the end result is mind blowing! Hands down to the new guys, who took all the heat and had to adapt quickly! Also I want to say thank you to a very special person for me -”

“Awww!”

“Jeez, shut up!” Cam cleared her throat and continued. ”Thank you to the person who didn’t give up on me and without whom today Phoenix probably wouldn’t exist. A big applause for our product manager and PR, Joe Macmillan! I couldn’t have done any of this without you!”

Joe smiled and sent a wink in her way. He even received a few pokes in the ribs from friendly elbows and few whistles.

“Phoenix is back on its feet and growing with every second! Thanks, guys, for caring and supporting this new project. The biggest advantage of working with fun colleagues like you is that I don’t feel like I am working at all. I firmly believe that along the way we all became friends. Most of my ideas work not just because they are creative, but because they are supported and endorsed by colleagues like you. And more than being proud of creating an extraordinary company, I am proud of working with extraordinary people like you. Honestly, you’re the best team ever!” Cameron laughed at the end, her eyes a little misty. She meant every word.

“Ow, one last thing, I promise, then we can go back to celebrating. Let’s all welcome our newest addition to the crew – Eva! Forget about dogs, Eva is the new best friend of the man! She can do it all! But most importantly Eva helped our Phoenix to rise again and spread its wings widely and confidently. This toast is for Eva! Cheers, girl!”

* * *

 

 

_Two days later_

 

“Cam, hurry up! We’re gonna miss the beginning of the movie. What are you doing in there?” Cameron could hear Joe’s muffled voice through the bathroom door.

“I’ll be out in a minute!”

She stared at the little stick in her hand, fingers trembling. Her knees felt weak and she slowly sat on the cold hard floor. The cool tiles felt good on her flushed skin. Suddenly the air in the room wasn’t enough and her chest started rising and falling faster than normal.

The edges of her vision became blurry and she squeezed tightly her eyes.

_Okay, breathe. Just breathe. Everything is going to be okay._

She decided to read the instructions of the pregnancy test again.

‘How to read your test results:

One line. Not pregnant. Two lines. Pregnant.’

Cameron took a deep breath.

_Again._

One line. Not pregnant.

Two lines. Pregnant.

 

**“Fuck.”**


	10. Chapter 10

Cameron sat at the desk in her office. Through the glass doors she could see all the coders messing around. Laughter, jokes, low music and conversations filled the main hall. All of that was like a white noise to her, which usually helped her think and concentrate. Not today though, today it annoyed her and made her hands clench every once in a while.

She felt numb and everything throughout the day passed in a blur. From morning until now she had a hundred work related conversations and she couldn’t even recall one of them. This was not okay. Not okay at all. Finally her company recovered from the big nosedive and things needed to be kept under control. Phoenix needed her right now more than ever. She couldn’t afford to be like… this.

It was like her brain rotted and she couldn’t think of anything else besides the new life that was growing inside of her.

New life. Baby. Family. Responsibility. Complications. 

Ugh. Cameron grabbed her blonde hair in both hands and tugged hard. Was she ready for this kind of commitment? She had to admit that the idea of it didn’t terrify her like it did three years ago. It’s just that… the timing was off. Right when things started stabilizing in her professional life, something happens and shakes her entire world, leaving her trembling, insecure and out of her comfort zone. _Something?_ Jesus, she couldn’t even refer to it as a human being.

_Okay. Let’s start slow._ Before confronting Joe or anyone else, she needed to answer some questions first for herself.

Should she keep the baby? She couldn’t take away life just to save her carrier or because she felt afraid of the unknown. Besides she was over 35 so if she had abortion now, the possibilities of future complications and miscarriages were huge, hell, she might not get the chance to be a mother again. This child was something created with love, hers and Joe’s biggest creation. How can she erase its existence even before it takes its first breath? So, she assumed, the answer to that question was: Yes, she’d keep the baby.

How did she feel about being pregnant? Scared. Nervous. Worried. The thought of her turning like her mother terrified her. What if she wasn’t good enough and her child hated her? What if she made wrong decisions? She had trouble taking care of a plant, what if she did something wrong and damaged the baby? Hell, how do you even hold a baby properly?

How this will change her life? She’d have to press Pause on her entire life for the next two or three years and invest all her “me” time in the baby. It would be hard coding and breastfeeding at the same time. Bye to her carrier and bye to Phoenix. On the other hand it would make her more grounded, she’d finally have a family, someone to come home to and who’ll love her unconditionally. So, she’d have to choose between work and family. Well, she’d been down the first road and knows how lonely it could be – projects were fun and exciting but sooner or later they come to an end and you’re left back at the beginning, they didn’t keep you warm at night and didn’t spend holidays with you. Family was something more permanent and stable in life. Even if things with Joe turned ugly again at some point, they’d always share that special bond and stay in each other’s life in one form or another.

Speaking of Joe… How would he take the news? Okay, he wanted family before… But now that he’s teaching maybe he satisfied that need and changed his mind. He’s not someone who’d run from responsibility though, so he’ll accept it. He always wanted legacy, so probably he’d be happy with the fact that he’ll be a father. Their relationship was stable and healthy at the moment which was good considering the fact they’ll be adding a squeaky third wheel soon, if anything she hoped this would bring them even closer, not drive them apart.

How would she tell Joe about the baby? Okay, that was the hard part. She’d have to wait and choose the right time, she couldn’t tell him after his classes, he’d be tired. Not before bed either, unless she wanted him to spend a sleepless night staring at the ceiling… Maybe she should ask him when he’s free to discuss something serious… That sounds like she wants to break up with him again...Ugh. He’ll need time to process the news though. Maybe she should make… something like a little speech, with all the key points of the conversation – her thoughts, her concerns, how she felt, how this would affect them, but at the same time make their life more exciting. Damn, she’d even rehearse it a few times to get everything right and to calm her nerves…

 Oh my god, they’re really doing this, they’re going to have a baby! Baby… A baby… One baby… Holy crap, what if they have twins? Can they handle this? Double responsibilities!

_Jesus, calm down!_

She needed to talk to someone or soon her head would explode.

Cam bit her nails for a few seconds before picking up the phone and dialing the number she knew too well. She heard the dial tone twice before the other side answered.

“Bos?”

* * *

 

 

“ – and I really wanted to hear your opinion, you know, like a man and a father, who’s been through all of that… So, what do you think?”

Cameron sat on a work table, with crossed legs under her, facing Bos who leaned back in a big squishy chair. They were in his garage, since he had some touch-ups to do on his fishing rod. Bos could see how nervous she was, she fixed and pulled back her hair more times than he could count in the last fifteen minutes, dark circles decorated her eyes and she looked paler than normal.

“Is this what you really want?”

“Ah, I think so... Yes.” Cam bit her lower lip and left a white mark where her teeth met the skin.

“That didn’t sound very convincing…”

“No, no. I already decided. I want to keep the child.”

“Are you sure you don’t feel pressured and you’re only making this decision because you’re scared that Joe might leave again? Did he started talking about you two having a family again?”

“No, it’s not that. He’s been great. Really… We don’t talk about it, I think he’s afraid to bring up this topic, you know, after my unwillingness to commit last time… But other than that we’ve been really good, stable, everything’s perfect, not only between us but in our jobs. I’m afraid that by bringing this in our home, I might shake what we’ve build so far.”

“Honey, a baby always rocks the boat. It’s on you, though, to decide if it’ll be for better or worse. I can’t tell you how happy I am to be grandfather for second time! Hell, who’d have thought! But before everything else I want to make sure you’re okay and this is something that you want.”

“Yes, I want it. But at the same time it’s so fucking scary…” Cam buried her face in her palms and when she heard him laugh, peeked between her fingers.

“Oh, sweetheart, the whole fucking life is scary!” Bos ran a hand through his bushy beard. “Hey, Cameron, if you’ve had already taken the big decision, why did you ask for my opinion?”

Cameron blinked back tears and moved her gaze from him, not willing to meet his eyes.

“Because that’s what you do when something like this happens… You seek family. I’m not so close with mom, although we started communicating more after my visit in Florida. So I went to my… dad.”

His eyes became blurry and with trembling fingers he tried to dry them but with no success. The tears just kept coming. At the end he simply gave up and got off the chair to hug his beautiful loving girl.

“Damn, sweetheart, you’ll make my old heart burst! It’s not fair, the doctor said I’ll see 21st century and you’ll kill me before that! I love you, hon, I’ll always be there for you. And your little pumpkin. No matter what.” With every word his arms squeezed her tighter and tighter. Soon he felt her own wrap around him and her head buried into his neck.

“I love you too! Thanks for being here.”

“Have you told Donna?”

“Oh, no, not yet. First I have to tell Joe, which I have no idea how I’ll do. I can only hope his reaction will be positive.”

“What do you mean? Of course, he’ll be happy!”

“I don’t know... Maybe he satisfied his parental needs through teaching and now is content with what he’s got. We’re not first youth, Bos… What if he doesn’t want this anymore? He may want more calm life now. It will only complicate things. He’s not one to run away from responsibilities, but this could really put strain on our relationship. I don’t want him to feel like I’m tying him down.”

“Nonsense. Talk to him like you did with me. I promise you, it won’t be as scary as you think. You, girl, tend to have all these crazy narratives in your head and sometimes you can’t step away from them, so you always think the worst.” Bos put a strong hand on her shoulder and looked her straight in the eyes. “Everything is going to be fine, hon.”

Cameron only weakly nodded and took a deep breath to calm herself.

“And, Cam, I know you doubt it right now, but you’ll be a great mother.”

* * *

 

 

Joe Macmillan entered the house, feeling breathless, both from the cold outside and the anxiety that washed over him earlier today, when he got a phone call from Cameron. Joe came home in the early afternoon, skipping a few of his classes. He left his black briefcase on the cabinet near the front door. With frozen hands dusted the little droplets from his shoulders, unwrapped the warm scarf from his neck and with quick motions got off his black coat.

“Cameron?”

“In the living room!”

With a few strides of his long legs he found her seated on the sofa. A glance around the room told him that she clearly just waited for him, no book around, the TV was off, the computer too. She looked paler than usual and her hair was disheveled, like she spent too much time pulling and playing with it.

_What was wrong? Was she sick?_

How the hell he missed something like that? Joe was busy these days, having to juggle between the university, Phoenix and meetings with tech clients… That was no excuse.

“Cam, you really scared me with your phone call. Tell me what’s wrong.” Joe urged her to speak.

Cam stood up and wiped her palms on her red sweater.

“Joe, you might want to sit down for this.”

His eyes grew impossibly big, eyebrows coming together with concern. Chills down his back. Suddenly his mouth was dry and his tongue felt like sandpaper.

“Oh, my god, who died? Is John okay?”

“What?! Jesus, Joe, nobody died.”

“Did he have a heart attack again?”

“Joe, Bos is fine!”

“Is it your mother?”

“No! Just sit down…”

“It’s you, isn’t it? Are you sick? How serious is it?”

“Joe, calm down and stop pacing around the room…”

“Why would I want to sit down, Cameron?!”

“Just sit on the fucking sofa and you’ll find out!”

“Are you breaking up with me again?”

“What?! No, it’s nothing like that… Actually, I don’t know...”

“Excuse me?! What the fuck, Cameron! I thought this shit was behind us! I thought we were good!”

“We are! Joe, just shut the fuck up for a second and let me explain. It’s really not that hard, you know?!”

This was so not going how she imagined it. They didn’t even start THE conversation and already both were agitated and angry.

 Joe clenched hard his jaw and pressed his lips into a tight line. Then plopped on the sofa and with exasperated motions with his hands told her to go on.

Cam sat on his left and turned her body in his direction. Her eyes landed on her lap, a line appeared between her eyebrows, suddenly she felt lost and a lot less confident. Joe immediately felt the shift in the mood and felt horrible for the way he reacted. He ran his left hand down her back in a soothing motion, pushed her hair away from her face to reveal her beautiful eyes and finally rested it on her shoulder.

“Cam, look at me.” With gentle long finger he lifted her chin and waited for their gazes to meet. “Tell me.”

The longer she waited, it only got harder and harder. All this stress really got to her and she found out that her carefully prepared speech suddenly evaporated from her mind. Umm. How to start? How do you say something like that? _Damn it_. It was time to… improvise? Maybe she should just blurt it out and see his initial reaction. It would be easier to decide how to proceed from there. Cam took a deep breath and spoke.

“I am pregnant.” After the words left her mouth, she immediately regretted them. Joe blinked slowly once and put a blank mask on his face. He turned away from her, put elbows on his knees and rested his forehead on his palms. His heavy breathing was the only thing that could be heard in the quiet room

What kind of reaction was that?! Oh, god, he was upset… He didn’t want this. Cam swallowed thickly, already feeling a lump in her throat.

“Joe, please say something.”

“…”

“Look if you don’t want this, it’s okay. I mean, I won’t hold you responsible for anything and I definitely don’t want to hold you down in any way… But I want it, the baby, I already decided that I want to keep it and - ”

Suddenly strong arms wrapped around her, cutting her in the middle of her sentence. His head buried into the crook of her neck. What really surprised her though was the wetness that she felt there. She stood frozen, not returning his hug. His muffled voice followed.

“Cameron, just shut up. It pisses me off that this even went through your head. All of this worrying was for nothing. Of course, I want this with you. You know I want us to build a family.” Joe lifted his head and looked her in the eyes. “And the fact that now you want it too, makes my heart burst from happiness and love.”

“You really are okay with this? Not mad?”

“Why would I be mad?”

“Because… everything was perfect – your job, the Eva project, us. A baby could only complicate things.”

“Or bring us even closer. Our love created something beautiful, Cam. We created it. You and me. This surpasses every damn project. Life is the greatest gift of all.” Cameron smiled gently at his words. He was right. She could see the truth in his eyes, his love and longing. She felt like she made one of his dreams finally come true, she was able to give him the legacy he so badly desired. No amount of teaching could ever substitute the love of a child. And this child will be so damn lucky to receive Joe as a father. He became such a gentle, loving and understanding person. Cam had no doubt he’ll be a great dad. She only wished she was so sure about herself. If anything, she was certain that she’d give all of her love to this child, and just hoped it would be enough…

“You are right.” Cam subconsciously laid a hand on her tummy. She swore she could feel warmth coming from within.

“What did the doctor say?” Joe put an arm around her and pulled her closer, kissing the top of her head.

“Nothing. I didn’t go to one.”

“How are sure you are pregnant then?”

“Few pregnancy tests. They can’t all be wrong.”

“Okay. I’ll book us an appointment as soon as possible.”

“Us?” She looked at him with raised eyebrows.

“You didn’t think I’ll let you go alone, did you? This is my child too. It didn’t magically appear there.” Joe said and pointed with finger her stomach.

“Haha, believe me it was no magic, but it was magical.”

That brought a throaty laugh out of Joe and won her a quick peck on the lips. She smiled but then her expression sobered almost instantly.

“Joe, seriously, I don’t know if I’ll be any good at this. I’ve never had a healthy relationship with my mom, I don’t want to turn into her… I’m scared from…all of it.”

“I am too, we both had troubled childhoods. That’s why we’ll guide and help each other. We’re in this together.”

Cameron only could nod at his words.

“I’m very glad to be with you in this, Joe… I love you.”

“I love you too, Cameron.”

His lips touched hers in the gentlest kiss either of them ever experienced. That kiss showed not only love, but brought light and hope in their hearts.

Hope, that maybe this time they won’t mess up the biggest project of their life.

 


	11. Chapter 11

 

Cameron stirred uncomfortably in Joe’s arms. She felt like she just got off a roller coaster ride, her head heavy. Ugh… she felt like shit. Her stomach turned and acid filled her mouth causing a burning sensation in the back of her throat. Cam sat up quickly and placed hand over her mouth.

_Oh, god, not again._

With running she crossed the bedroom, pushed the bathroom door open and dropped to her knees instantly. One hand holding blonde hair back and the other placed on the toilet seat for support. Cameron vomited the night before, so now it was more dry heaving than actually throwing up food, but it still hurt like hell and made her head spin.

She could hear quiet steps following her. She must have woken him by accident. Damn…

“Joe, no, get out - ” a convulsion cut her off and she leaned over again.

Suddenly a warm arm wrapped around her waist. With the other he started stroking her back in comforting long strokes, from the base of her neck to lower back.

“Shhh, it’s okay.” His smooth deep voice assured her.

It’s been three weeks since Cameron found out she was pregnant. At first everything was fine, but soon her life turned into hell. Restlessness, cravings, throwing up, mood changes every few minutes. What bothered her the most was the throwing up though. Her stomach couldn’t hold food for more than a couple of hours. And Joe kept feeding her like a fucking pig. ‘You must eat for two now’, he said. But what was the point, it only made her sick in the end. Other times she got these crazy cravings, one night at 3am Joe actually went out to buy her rocky road ice cream. The nearest supermarket was half an hour far from their house with a car... This was getting ridiculous.

After a few more coughs, when she was positive that her stomach was empty, Cameron finally sat up straight. Instantly a glass of cold water was pressed against her lips. She gladly took it and sipped wordlessly. Cam rinsed her mouth with the first few sips, spat into the toilet and flushed the mess. Joe’s big warm hand started rubbing smooth circles on her abdomen.

“Oh, Joe… this feels so good.” She settled the glass on the counter and leaned her forehead on his shoulder. She could feel a low hum in replay.

“I’m sorry for waking you up.”

“Don’t apologize.”

He felt groggy, tired. All this was affecting him too. Neither of them seemed to get their needed sleep. During the day he worked his ass off at two places and at night he couldn’t rest properly. It was only going to get worse in a few months, when Cam would have to stop working at Phoenix and that would fall on his shoulders too.

“Cam?” she heard him calling her as she leaned against him. She was so tired…

“Hmm?”

Strong arms lifted her, taking her back to the bedroom.

“We still got an hour before we have to get up. I thought it would be more comfortable in our bed for you to rest instead of on the bathroom floor.”

They laid down on the bed and Joe pulled the covers over them. She curled into his arms and rested her head on his shoulder, breathing in his scent. Maybe it was because of the pregnancy, but these days he smelled exceptionally good. He always smelled nice, but, dear god, now…  It sounded ridiculous but it calmed her stomach a little as she breathed in deeply.

* * *

 

 

The same morning both sat at the kitchen table. Joe was quietly reading his newspaper and eyed Cameron as she finished her third cup of cheese-egg. She leaned backwards with content smile and put both hands on her tummy.

“You know these are not healthy for you, right?” he asked and raised an eyebrow.

“What do you mean? It’s egg and it’s cheese. Nothing unhealthy.”

“Cameron, you microwave the damn thing. Heating your food in the microwave can strip away its original nutrients and kills every vitamin. Meaning it’s very unhealthy and probably dangerous for the baby.” Cameron rolled her eyes at his words.

“Joe, your child loves cheese-egg. Be a good father and stop nagging.”

“You should start thinking more about _our_ child and what’s good for it. It won’t kill you if you eat more vegetables and fruits.”

“Fine! Jesus, it’s not like I can hold down any food longer than a few hours anyway.”

Cameron got up and took her cups to the sink. Grabbed another glass and filled it with cold water. Right before she took her first sip, she heard Joe behind her.

“Hey, I was thinking… maybe we should start shopping for baby things. You know, clothes, crib, toys, baby stroller…” He wasn’t looking at her, instead he made a few notes on a list of paper. Was he making a list?

“Whoa, Joe. No.” Cameron looked him with wide eyes and shook her head.

“What do you mean ‘no’? This is important!” He tapped with his pen the list of paper and gave her a confused look.

 “Yes, but… I mean, there’s no need to hurry. The doctor said right now the baby is smaller than a grain of rice. We don’t even know the gender!”

“Look, I don’t want us to be unprepared for when the big event happens. Besides you don’t need to know the gender to buy a baby crib. The time will fly so fast, nine months are nothing, and we have to -”

“You are OCD freak! Relax, we have plenty of time.” She felt how nervous he was. He really wanted only the best for them, but in his worry he could turn into a nagging old lady. Cam giggled at that thought and wet to him, sat in his lap, taking a look at his list with items. “Hmmm.”

Meanwhile he nuzzled her long pale neck. Glancing at his watch he winced.

“We have to go soon, we’ll be late for work.”

“Damn, you’re right. Ugh, I have so much work today. I’ll be dead by dinner time.”

“Are you going to be okay? We can always cancel the dinner with Donna and John.” Joe pulled her hair back and held her face.

She turned her head and kissed his palm.

“No. I’ll be fine.” Cameron grinned. “We’ll have to tell them the big news. Well, Bos already knows, but I can’t wait to see the faces of Haley and Joanie when they hear. And the shock on Donna’s!”

Suddenly Cam put a hand on her stomach and frowned.

“Cameron?” Joe asked her concerned by her unexpected mood change.

“Fuck!”

“What is wrong, baby?”

“The fucking cheese-egg! I think I might thro-” She put a hand over her mouth and ran towards the bathroom.

* * *

 

 

Everyone sat around the table that evening, passing around plates of food and drinks. No wine tonight for Cameron. Their small kitchen suddenly felt even smaller. Bos and Diane came to the house first and brought the dessert, which was very thoughtful of them. On his way through the entrance Bos squeezed Joe on the shoulder and gave him a knowing smile. The younger man returned it and patted him on the back. A silent agreement and understanding between them.

Donna, Haley and Joanie arrived a little later, because Haley had late classes. As always Donna was overdressed even though Cameron told her the gathering is not going to be something special. The girls enveloped Joe in a big hug, while Cameron was busy talking with Donna and playing hostess at the same time. He still felt his heart melt at such display of affection from Gordon’s daughters. It was like they were reincarnation of his best friend, which made his eyes to water and his chest to feel tight, but in a good soothing way.

Now that everyone was seated and the conversation was flowing effortlessly, he stole a few glances at Cameron. She had a lot of work today, didn’t sleep last night, threw up after every meal and spent half the day in the bathroom. Yet now she was glowing, no trace of tiredness. He guessed the pregnant glow was a real thing after all. A wide smile on her face, her cheeks were pink and her eyes sparkled as she talked about everything and nothing with the others. She looked… relaxed. That kind of inner peace that you achieve only when you’re with family. Joe allowed his eyes to fall on every person in the room. Family. That was his family, no, that was their family. Every single one of them flawed and unreasonable, but genius and beautiful. These people weren’t connected by blood, they were brought together by a greater power. And soon another would join the group.    

“Guys, hope you like spaghetti and meatballs, because that’s how far my cooking knowledge goes. Usually Joe is the chief in this household.” Cameron informed and sent Joe a wink, which brought a laugh from everyone.

“Sure, I mean, who doesn’t like them?” Haylee replied and dug into her plate.

“Punk, slow down. You’ll choke!” Joanie poked her with one elbow and giggled.

 “Shut up.”

After they had all cleared their plates and started chatting about nothing in particular, Diane turned towards the couple and with gentle smile asked.

“Not that we’re not grateful for the wonderful invitation, but what is the occasion? Are we celebrating something?”

Joe and Cameron exchanged looks. Joe put a hand around Cam’s shoulders, which made her blush and look down, she wasn’t a fan of this public affection and felt uncomfortable when suddenly all of the attention fell on them.

Joe cleared his throat and licked his dry lips.

“Actually, we are. Cameron and I invited you tonight, because we wanted to share our happiness with you, our family. And soon this family will have a new tiny member. We are having a baby!”

Bos was the only one who gave them immediate megawatt smile, white teeth peeking between his bushy beard. Diane’s reaction followed, she smiled too, although her eyes were a little wider than they should have been, and congratulated them.

The other three women stood frozen, shocked by the sudden revelation. Donna’s face was hilarious, Cameron didn’t remember seeing her with eyes so wide and big that they actually resembled the plates on the table. Her mouth open, she tried to say something but no words came out. Cam couldn’t help it and burst out laughing.

“Jesus, Donna, breath!”

“Oh, my god! I-I-I am so happy for you, guys! This is wonderful! I’m shocked, is all. I thought you… never mind… I’m so happy for you!” 

“Shut the fuck up! Baby?! I am becoming an aunt?!” Joanie laughed and went to Cam and Joe, enveloping them in a huge tight hug.

“Joe? Is this really true? I can’t believe you’re having a baby! That is so cool!” Haley joined the group hug.

“Bos, did you know about this?” Donna turned towards Bosworth, who chuckled at the scene before him.

“Yeah… for some time now. Can you believe it? Me, grandpa again? Heh!”

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me!” Diane held his hand and squeezed gently.

“Oh, darling it wasn’t my news to tell!”

“Wait! Do you know what you want – boy or girl?” Joanie clapped her hands and smiled brightly. Her usually cool exterior was now cracked into million pieces and her excitement made her look like a little child.

“Um, I haven’t thought about this...” Cam looked at Joe. “What about you? Preferences about gender?”

“As long as it’s healthy I don’t care. Although people say daughters tend to love their fathers more.”

“Great! Just what we need, another one to feed you ego!” Cameron laughed lightly and rolled her eyes.

“So, when are you, guys, getting married?” Donna asked.       

Now it was Cameron and Joe with the shocked expressions. An awkward silence filled the room. That wasn’t something that they’d discussed. Their minds were so occupied with the child and its arrival, that they really hadn’t thought much about the status of their relationship. Joe was the first one who spoke.

“Ah, we still haven’t talked about this.” His eyes met Cameron’s and he nodded. “But it’s going to happen sooner or later. We just don’t know when, yet.”

The smile that graced Joe’s face did wonders to Cam’s insides. It was a sign of true happiness and promise of bright future. It was contagious, soon the corners of her lips lifted magically upwards. She couldn’t resist him and pressed her lips to his.

“Oh, come on! There’s time for everything!” Bos raised his glass high in the air. “Cheers to the little Howe-Macmillan!”

“Macmillan-Howe!”

“We’ll figure it out...”

“Cheers! I just want to say, it’s not going to be easy, but I’m telling you it’s going to be worth it! A child will fill place in your heart that you never knew was empty. Once more, congratulations to you and the lucky baby who will receive such amazing people as parents!” Donna added with misty eyes.

Everyone clinked their glasses together.

* * *

 

 

Later that night, when the guests went home, Joe and Cam laid on the bed. Cam rested her head on his chest while he played with her locks.

“Did you enjoy it?” Joe asked and observed the top of her head since he couldn’t see her eyes.

“Yes.” Her answer came immediately, without her even thinking about it. That made him chuckle, he wanted to hear more of her thoughts, he wanted to tell her so many things… The love and acceptance from their important people made Joe feel all fuzzy and warm inside.

“Thank you.” He hadn't said that once today. And she deserved it.

Only silence met him and her deep breathing. She must have fallen asleep in his arms. Today must have been tiring for her, despite her earlier outburst of energy. She was only human after all.

Joe smiled and closed his eyes, hoping she and their child will visit him in his dreams.

He was tired too.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy holidays, guys! Wishing you peace and infinite fun this holiday season! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Comments and kudos are always appreciated!


	12. Chapter 12

 

**_End of trimester one_ **

****

Cameron lifted her shirt and exposed her belly with irritated sigh. With wrinkled nose she turned to one side, then the other and observed her reflection in the mirror. Lifting her gaze a little she caught Joe’s eyes staring back at her and frowned. He sat on the bed behind her, leaning backwards and supporting his weight on his palms. The moron was grinning like an idiot while obviously checking her out.

“I am fat.” She said flatly.

“You are not fat. You starting to show a little, if anything I think you’re cute.” Joe wiggled his eyebrows at her.

“This all seem very amusing to you, huh? I can’t even button my jeans anymore, barely anything fits me. Nothing looks good. Nothing! I am fat and only going to get fatter.” Cameron puffed her cheeks with obvious irritation. “Look at me, I am not even gaining weight evenly around my body. My ass and stomach are getting bigger, but my legs are just as skinny as ever. I look like I swallowed a basketball ball. It’s hilarious! I can’t go outside like this anymore!”

Joe kept his big smile plastered on his stupid face and rolled his eyes at her complaining. Didn’t he hear her? 

“Don’t be a drama queen, you’re as beautiful as always.” He got up from the bed and approached her from behind. Joe wrapped his big arms around her and attacked her cheek with noisy wet kisses.

“Get off me! We’re going to be late for our reservation, I have to find something to wear!” Cam struggled against his grip at first, but soon found herself surrendering to his affections. He made her look like a balloon on a stick and she couldn’t even get mad at him. A giggle rose in the back of her throat as Joe found with lips that special place behind her ear.

_Damn him._

“Mmm. You know what I think? I think now that you’re gaining a few pounds, there’s just going to be more of you for me to love. Besides you’re so soft and comfortable now, I just can’t keep my hands to myself.” Joe bit the top of her earlobe gently and squeezed her even tighter, then plastered a wet kiss on her right cheek. He stepped back but not before lightly patting her on the butt, grinning again when she swatted his naughty hand away.

“Ew. Freak.”

* * *

 

 

Cameron was not feeling well that night, her head was heavy and she had nausea after the dinner with Joe. Her craving for sea food brought her only suffering, turned out maybe shrimps were not the best choice when you’re pregnant and sensitive to smells. Just the thought of them now, made her stomach turn. She groaned and covered her eyes with one palm, shielding them from the bedside lamp’s light.

Cam laid on the bed, still in her dress, with outstretched legs. Joe sat next to her and with a hand pushed back the plastered hair from her forehead. His eyes showed concern when she blinked at him dazedly for a few moments.

“Don’t worry, Joe, I’m better now.” The gentle smile on her lips barely touched her tired eyes.

“I warned you about the shrimps… Do you want more water? Or maybe I can rub your abdomen again?”

“I told you, I’m fine now. I just had to take them out of my system… But I still won’t refuse a nice belly rub.”

His big warm palm worked its magic again. This massage turned into a routine that calmed them both, every time her stomach hurt he’d be there drawing firm circles and eight-shapes with his hand. In some strange way it worked and took the pain away.

Joe leaned forward and kissed her salty forehead, now covered with a thin layer of sweat.

“Cam, I know it’s hard… be strong for me… please…” He murmured next to her ear and she turned her head a little so she could press her lips against his. It was a chaste kiss, but still burned his lips. He hated to see her in pain. Both knew it was inevitable and for a greater good, but still… The doctor warned them her symptoms would probably be worse since both of them were older. In moments like this he felt powerless, it was pitiful how all he could do was watch as the mother of his child was suffering.

His child.

Their little baby.

“Hey, Cam?”

“Yes?” She opened sleepy eyes and looked at his beautiful face, illuminated by the yellow light in the darkness.

“Have you thought about what Donna said at the dinner?”

She closed her eyes again and drew her eyebrows in concentration, trying to replay the events from a few weeks ago.

“About us getting married?”

Joe nodded firmly, but realized she can’t see him. “Yes… my child won’t be a bastard.”

_Marry me._

Cameron opened her eyes and gave him a glare at his word’s choice.

“That’s a horrible way to propose, Joe.”

“I… want to do this before the baby is born - ”

“I thought that maybe we could wait a little - ”

Both stared at each other for a few seconds, obviously taken aback from the reaction of the other. Joe licked his bottom lip and spoke first.

“Why? ...I mean, what’s the point, Cam? I want the child to bear my name when the time comes.”

She started to get up, but Joe pushed her back down with a soft ‘relax’.

“Of course, the child will bear our names. I wanted to postpone the wedding because I look like an elephant and pee every fifteen minutes. I don’t see why we should hurry. Marriage means nothing, it’s just a bunch of documents that you sign, a formality that doesn’t proof anything… we both know that.”

“Still… ”

“Okay, fine. If it will calm your mind, we’ll get married earlier. Nothing big though, please. Just signing the papers with Donna, the girls and Bos there. I hate these types of things, everyone gets super emotional… I don’t know how to react.”

“Deal.” He grinned and leaned over to kiss her nose, then her forehead, then the left cheek, the right cheek, her lips… She began to giggle and after a few moments it turned into full-blown laughter.

“What would you have done if I said ‘no’?” she asked with raised eyebrow, when he pulled away.

“I’m glad we’ll never find out.”

“I love you, Joe.”

“Love you too… Hey, Cam?”

“Hmm?”        

“Are you free next week? I’ll book us as soon as possible.”

“Whatever… can you go away now? I want to sleep.”

* * *

 

**_Second trimester_ **

 

Cameron and Joe stood in the doctor’s office. She laid on the table as doctor Martinez scanned her stomach with the machine. Joe was seated on a chair next to her and was leaning forward trying to make anything out of the black and white screen in front of them. He squinted his eyes, but still what they saw was like a very abstract painting.

“Hmmm.” Martinez hmmed and made a clicking sound with his tongue.

Cameron suddenly looked alarmed, in all of their other visits he said that everything was going according to plan. Her eyes searched Joe’s, swallowing thickly. His face mirrored her concern.

“Is everything alright?” Joe asked the doctor and squeezed Cam’s hand in the process. He didn’t know if the gesture was meant to reassure her or to calm himself.

“Hm? Oh, yeah, don’t worry. It’s all good. The baby is turned really good actually and we can determine the gender, if you want to, of course... Some parents prefer to keep it a secret for the last minute.”

Cameron and Joe exchanged looks and read in each other’s eyes just one word. _Now._    

“We’d like to know it now.” Joe nodded at Cam and turned his head towards Martinez, who pushed some buttons and took a few notes in his report. After a second he lifted his head and gave them a toothy grin.

“Okay… You are having… a girl!”

The couple’s eyebrows rose simultaneously. Eyes wide.

_Girl._

They were having a baby girl.

“Um, as I said, nothing to worry about. Everything looks normal and the baby looks very healthy, you can see the steady heartbeat on the monitor… Here you go, that’s the sonogram, you can keep it, of course.” He handed them the picture and brought his chair closer to the couple. “If you look closely you can actually see that the baby’s female. The ultrasounds have pretty good reliability for gender prediction when the baby is in a good position, like yours, and the legs are far enough apart that there is good visibility between them.” The doctor pointed at a spot in the picture. “See here?”

Cameron frowned in confusion. “I see nothing.” Martinez laughed at her reaction and winked.

“Exactly, dear… there’s nothing… Meaning - it’s not a boy.” The doctor chuckled at his own joke.

“Oh.” Joe and Cameron were hit by the realization at the same time.

“I expect to see you next week, so we could make a few more tests. Now, I’ll leave you alone for a few moments so you can process the news. Oh, and congratulations! I’m sure she’ll be a beauty.”

Doctor Martinez closed the door behind him and left the couple still staring at the sonogram.

“Oh, um, wow.” Cam said, feeling utterly dazed, and put her head on Joe’s shoulder.

“Yeah…” He smiled at her, his eyes playful. The idea of a tiny small Cameron popped in his head and made his heart flutter. “I'm so happy and relieved that the baby is healthy, and that was honestly all I was hoping for.”

“Yes, of course, I am too. Wow, we are having a girl… I would have been happy either way, but now I am a bit nervous at the idea of a girl. I’ll have no clue what to do. Girls are more… emotional and dramatic.”

“Are you disappointed?”  

“God, no! Just worried… when we know the sex now, it feels more real somehow. She feels more real.”

“I know what you mean. Finding out the sex was like narrowing the unknown a bit, it just helps me picture her more clearly in my head.”

* * *

 

 

_Two weeks later_

 

Cameron got from the toilet seat and flushed the water. Today was her fiftieth time already. She felt like she had pissed out an entire ocean. She didn’t drink that much water so it was a mystery, she still couldn’t wrap her head around, from where came all that liquid.

Joe was at work, so she used a little ‘me’ time. Cam stopped going to Phoenix every day, because the work environment there stressed her, something she never had a problem with before, mainly because she herself was a chaotic person. Not now though, these days she preferred peace and quiet. That was the reason she worked from home and went only when emergencies occurred.

Cameron got her laptop from the desk and laid on the bed, scrolling through her emails.

Her stomach started to rumble and a gentle pfft left her backside. The sad truth about being pregnant is that you become incredibly disgusting. Joe always repeated to her how radiant, glowing and beautiful she was. Was he blind or something?

She was fat, really fat. Her back hurt because her stomach was big and her legs couldn’t support the increasing weight. The only positive thing from all of this was that her breasts had swollen and now looked bigger, something that Joe seemed to appreciate very much. She pissed all day long and to top it all she started farting. This was getting ridiculous!

Also she noticed she started talking out loud to herself a lot. Repeating certain things or explaining what she was doing. One time Joe caught her as she was screaming at some stupid game show on TV, he looked at her weirdly and left without a word. This hormonal imbalance made her crazy.

“Do you hear that, little monster? You made me crazy! Oh, the things that you have done to me…”

With one hand she patted her belly and smiled.

 Her baby girl.

“I guess you’ll be stubborn like me… Do hear me when I talk? Last night your daddy read a story to you, he also likes talking to you. He often puts his head on my stomach and listens for an answer, as if you could say something. For now we enjoy your little signals that you send to remind us you’re still here, and, girl, let me tell you, you kick very strongly for a little lady.”

Cam put the laptop aside and fell back against the pillows, deciding to continue her conversation /monologue/ with her daughter. Like she said, _crazy._     

“You know, both me and your father felt badly let down by our parents. But we learned that they are people too and make mistakes like everybody else… I hope you never feel like us, I hope we won’t disappoint you so much, that you’ll turn your back on us… All I can promise you is that we’ll try hard for you. Sweetheart, you were created with a lot of love. You’re so precious to us. Hell, we love you both so much and we haven’t even met you, yet. So, don’t listen to mommy when she complains, she’s just having hard time. In reality she can’t wait to see you.”   

* * *

 

**_Third Trimester_ **

****

Cameron sat at their kitchen table, her laptop in front of her. Joe was chopping vegetables for their dinner next to her and was lowly humming a song he forgot the name of. Cam sat sideways, so she could rest her legs on the nearby chair, her heels and calves were killing her these days.

She scrolled through a web page called “Best baby girl names from A to Z”.

“Can you believe that someone named their daughter Celosia?” Cam said, looking at the screen, amused by her discovery.

“That’s…unusual.” Joe lifted his gaze and gave her a warning look. “We are not naming her Celosia.”

Cam laughed at his reaction. “Joe, I’m pregnant, I didn’t lose my mind. Of course, we are not naming her Celosia. It’s weird….”

Joe grabbed the next onion and resumed chopping.

“Oh my god! I found something you’d like – Academia!” Cam started laughing so hard, she actually clutched her stomach. Joe just rolled his eyes at her and ignored her. “Get it? Cause you’re teacher!”         

“You are hilarious, Cameron…” He remarked flatly and emptied his board in the nearby wok.

“Killjoy!”

“Names are important and… hard. Our decision now will reflect on her future. Some cultures believe that one's name will greatly impact his/her entire life. So they choose a name with a good meaning literally.”

“Hmm… Do you believe in that? A simple name can bring certain energy and change your future?”

“I don’t know… Maybe. I don’t want to take the risk though. It has to be something simple, but with power and meaning.”

“I agree, I don’t want something overly exotic either…” She kept scrolling through the long list of names, but nothing felt right. “Jesus, Adorabella?! These parents have no souls.”

“You know, in one book I met the name Ediline, it means gracious.”

“Ediline is… no.” Cameron wrinkled her nose after trying the name out loud. “Mackenzie?”

“It’s cute but… no. I always liked Sophia.”

“Yeah, you and the whole country. Every third girl is named Sophia… We are not naming her Sophia.”

“Lily?”

“Nah, too simple. Giuliana?”

“No, too complicated… Grace, maybe?”

“I like that one, but it’s too classic and is widely used.” Cam stole a piece of carrot from Joe’s hand and puffed her cheeks. This was hard. “Hey, what about Valerie, I had a distant aunt named liked that.”

“Hmm, I knew a Valerie in college…” She kicked him when he smirked at the memory.

“Fine, it’s not going to be Valerie.”

“Simona? Sara?” He blinked at her with innocent eyes.

“Do you actually want me to beat you up?” Cameron narrowed her big eyes at him. “What do you think of Tomasina, Joe, hm? Sounds nice?”

“Fine, I got it… Besides Tomasina sounds…” Joe shook his head as if to get rid of the thought. “Tanya’s nice.”

“Ew, no. That’s the name of one of Donna’s colleagues…”

“So?”

“No.” Joe rolled his eyes at her simple and not explanatory answer. ”Ugh, Joe, this is hard. I had no idea it would be so difficult.”

“I know and the time is flying so fast. We have to make up our minds…”

“Maybe we should wait a little longer… Something may pop up.” She shrugged her shoulders and closed her laptop, her eyes were getting tired anyway after starring at it the whole day. She pushed it aside and leaned forward, placing her elbows on the table, head in her hands.

“So, chief Macmillan, what will we have for dinner?” she asked as Joe put all veggies in the wok and turned on the stove.

“It’s a secret.” He placed the wok on the heat and got a wooden spatula from the drawer above his head. When he was satisfied he turned to face her again.

“Ohh, well, I know what I will have for desert though.” She said and wiggled her eyebrows at him.

“No.”

Her eyes widened at his blunt rejection.

“What do you mean ‘no’? Is it because I’m fat now?” Cameron didn’t expect the hormonal effects of the pregnancy to be quite so dramatic. An "increase in interest in sex", doctor Martinez said, but she didn’t expect to be so horny all the time. She and Joe always had great chemistry between them and sex was definitely not one of their problems… or so she thought.

“Of course not, don’t be ridiculous! You are in the eight month, Cam. At this point I’m afraid… we are going to poke her.”

She blinked slowly at him and looked at him with her wide-eyed stare like he was crazy.

“Poke her? What are you, twelve?! You know that she is cushioned by all this fluid, right? … she won’t know what’s happening!”

“Cam, with the way we make love our baby has to be very sturdy to not know what’s going on…”

“Are you suggesting we won’t make love until the baby is born?! That’s out of question! We are doing it tonight!”

“I don’t want to risk it…”

“… we’ll be gentle.”

…

“… okay.”

* * *

 

 

_The big day_

 

Joe never drove so damn fast in his entire life. The tires of his Porsche squeaked dangerously as he hit the brakes in the hospital’s parking lot. His entire drive was a blur, hell, he didn’t even remember getting in the car. It was happening. The time has come. His baby girl was coming and she was coming earlier than expected.

He got the call during one of his lections. One of the assistants interrupted him and told him the big news, Cam’s waters broke half an hour ago. Apparently she was with Donna when that happened and both drove to the hospital. Thank god Donna was there…

Joe entered the main hall and quickly scanned the area. He saw Donna near one of the vending machines and he approached her breathless with long strides.

“How - ”

“Breathe, Joe. Everything is fine. The doctors will take care of her.”

He felt numb, the adrenaline still ran in his veins, but he could do nothing at the moment. So he only nodded silently. This had not gone as he had planned it. Not at all.

“I should have been there…”

“Don’t blame yourself, there was no way any of us would have known that this little girl would come so soon and decide to surprise us.” Donna put a hand on his shoulder in effort to calm him. “Everything is going to be just fine, you’ll see.”

“What if it’s not, the baby coming earlier can’t be a good sign, right? I mean wh- ”

“Joe? Hi, Donna! Where is Cameron? How is she? Is everything okay?” Bos and Diane showed up behind him and he felt a friendly pat on the back as the older man approached.

“Yes! She’s fine! That’s what I am trying to explain to Joe, too. Calm down. Everything will be fine!”

* * *

 

He repeated Donna’s words in his mind thousand times, but when you’ve spent the last three hours in the waiting hall and only watched as doctors and nurses ran in and out of the operating room, it was getting harder and harder to believe them. After the first hour even Donna started pacing around the corridor.

 _Damn._ Why no one was telling them anything?

Cold sweat ran down his back and his fingers felt numb. He was staring down at the floor trying his very best not to think negative thoughts. He read a lot about religions and if anything now was the perfect time to send a prayer to every god humanity has ever known. Joe forced himself not to give a grown of despair.

He just wanted them safe. His wife and his baby girl. That was all.

 _He_ was going to be a _father_.

He wanted this… Then why suddenly everything was so scary?

Joe held his face in his hands now, eyes closed as he tried to ignore the worsening headache.  He could do this. He was Joe Macmillan, a force of nature. He also felt very stupid to complain in this moment, however hard it was for him, Cameron had it worse right now.

His head snapped upwards as a young nurse came from the operating room and with small steps approached him. She looked tired and her forehead glistened in the light, but she smiled sweetly at him. That was a good sign.

“Are you the father?” Joe felt a lump forming in his throat at her question.

“Y-yes, I am.” His voice sounded strange even to his ears.

“You can go see them now.”

“Is she well?” Bos asked the nurse offhandedly.

“Yes, Cameron is fine. There was tearing though, so that will give her a little trouble in the coming days. She is better now, the delivery was hard and long, but both the mother and the baby are stabilized.”

Donna asked some questions about the delivery after the nurse announced the good news, but Joe ignored their conversation. He had to lay his eyes on them, to make sure they were alright.

Another nurse pointed him to the room where they put Cam and their daughter. His palm was sweaty and he couldn’t bring himself to open the door just yet. Joe took a few calming breaths and listened. He could hear nothing from inside, only shuffling noises of sheets and a soft murmur. He swallowed thickly and put his hand on the door handle.

Just one thought went through his mind before he opened the door and walked inside.

_I will not be like my father._

* * *

 

 

“… Cameron?”

Cam looked up at the sound of Joe’s voice. Her daughter was in her arms, staring back at her mother’s face. Joe stood frozen at the doorway, the sight in front of him took his breath away.

“Joe, come here…” She whispered and gave him a gentle smile and motioned at the bundle in her arms. “Look at her.”

Cam heard his footsteps as he came closer. He sat at the end of the bed, careful not to disturb the girls, and leaned forward. The little baby stared back at him with huge blue-green eyes. She was wrinkly and red, but he swore he never saw a more perfect being in his entire life. Her little face was blank of emotion save wonder. Big eyes, not really seeing properly yet, scanned the world around them with curiosity.

Cam looked back at the little pink thing in her arms.

“She is so beautiful.”

“Yes… She has your eyes.” Joe reached out and with the back of two long fingers, he caressed the top of her tiny head.

“Do you want to hold her?” For a second she saw fright flicker through his eyes, but soon was replaced by determination. Cam handed him the little girl and explained quickly how to hold her. ”Careful, I’m not very good at it either, but they said we have to support the head… God, you’re natural, you’re doing so well.”

The little girl moved in his arms, tiny hands reaching up, as if wanting to touch his face.

“Hey, there! Welcome, sweetheart.” Joe leaned and pressed lips to her forehead. She made a strange sound that reminded Joe of a little kitten, and he lifted his head, eyes never leaving her face. Maybe it was his eyes deceiving him, but the corners of her mouth lifted in a smile.

“I think she likes you.” Cameron took in the sight in front of her, blinking rapidly when tears began to sting in the back of her eyes.

Joe lifted his eyes and looked at his wife with a big smile. “Good, I like her too.”

Only then he saw the dark circles under her eyes and the paleness of her skin.

“Cam, how are you feeling?”

“Good.” She nodded and let herself to fall back against the pillows, closing her eyes tiredly.

“You know, how much I love you, don’t you? Thank you, you gave me the world. I can’t put into words the respect and love I have for you…”

“I love you too, Joe. I don’t know why it took me so long to let my doubts go…”

Joe’s gaze flickered back to their daughter.

“We have a big problem though... She doesn’t have a name…”

“... between the contractions something popped in my mind…I know, it’s strange, but I guess that’s what I needed at the moment. It’s absolutely cheesy, but I love it.” Cam said and smiled sheepishly.

“Oh?” Joe’s mouth twitched into a small smirk. “What is it?”

 “Hope.” 

**_Hope._ **

Because she was their hope. With her a new beginning came for both of them, scary and exciting. She was their hope for better days and leaving past mistakes behind them. She would be what makes them stronger, their light in the darkest hour. When they lose everything, she’ll be the one who’ll always remain in their life, their little hope.

“Hope Macmillan-Howe.” Joe tried the name out loud, and deep in his heart he knew, a decision has been made. Cameron closed her eyes, letting the sound of his deep voice wash over her. The name fitted her so well.

In fact, it was perfect.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Comments and kudos are always appreciated!


	13. Epilogue

_Five years later_

 

It was a sunny Saturday morning in mid-August. Joe took a sip from his morning coffee, closed his newspaper and put it aside. He was not looking forward to this, it was the same thing every morning. Breathing in deeply, with closed eyes, he exhaled slowly. Joe leaned back on the chair and crossed his arms. His intense gaze fixed on the little girl in front of him. He narrowed his eyes, ready to take his opponent.

Big determined blue-green eyes stared back at him. Hope was not backing down, she was just as stubborn as her mother.

The battle for control was about to begin…

“I can still see your broccoli in the plate…” Joe asked with raised eyebrow, deciding he should start this with gentle approach.

“I know.” Her sweet voice, that usually melted his heart, now brought a twitch to his left eye.

“Hope, sweetheart, how many times we must have this discussion, hm? Vegetables are good for you, they are full of vitamins and help you to stay healthy. You want to be strong and have a lot of energy, don’t you?”

“But, daddy, they smell! I don’t want to eat them.” She pouted her little lips and pushed the plate away from her. Joe sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

Cameron entered the kitchen and quickly passed by them, going straight to the coffee machine. Two bags of papers in her hand and a folder under her arm.

“Morning, guys! What’s up, Hope?” Kissing the top of her daughter’s head, she picked a few pieces of eggs from Joe’s plate.

“Dad is making me eat broccoli!” Hope pointed at her plate with a tiny finger. Cam looked down and wrinkled her nose at the sight of the green vegetables, she wasn’t a big fan of them either.

“Ugh, I know, sweetheart, they smell awful…”

“Cameron, you’re not helping!” Joe looked at her accusingly and she smiled sheepishly.

“Hope, if your dad tells you they are good for you, you should listen to him… He cares for you very much and won’t lie about something like that. Besides they are not that bad…”

“Thank you.” The whole speech came a little weird out of her mouth, but he appreciated the effort.

Cameron circled the table and went to him, softly kissing him on the lips.

“Hey, I’m sorry about today, I know we had plans… But we have to update Eva until the end of the month and right now everything is a big mess at Phoenix… I promise, I’ll be back as soon as I can.” She kissed him again and guiltily looked at him.

“Cam, its fine… Go do your job, I’m sure we can manage to entertain ourselves for a few hours.”

“Thank you, you are the best!”

“I know.” He winked at her and patted her on the leg in a motion that said ‘go already’. Cam giggled and leaned for a goodbye kiss from Hope.

“Bye, mommy!”

“Bye!” Cameron waved for the last time and closed the door after her, leaving the father-daughter duo alone. 

Joe sighed and looked sideways at his girl.

“Let’s make a deal then?” She pushed a few light-brown locks behind her ears and lifted her head, eyes curious. Obviously he managed to pique her interest. Joe rolled his eyes, offer her a deal and she’s ready for negotiations… businesswoman like her mother. “If you eat your broccoli now, we can go hiking this afternoon.”

She bit her bottom lip and thought about it for a second. “Can we bring Toto with us?” Toto was a plush sloth toy, a gift for her birthday from Bos. The big grey thing was ugly, but she loved it and carried it everywhere, holding one arm of the animal, she usually dragged it after her. The sloth was almost as big as her.

“Of course. I am sure Toto would like to go for a walk too.” Joe smiled at her and ruffled her hair.

“Great! We have a deal!” Hope grinned back at him and stuffed quickly her mouth with the remaining pieces of broccoli. With closed eyes she chewed the horrible green veggies and swallowed with effort, at the end she finished with a soft ‘ew’ and a shake of her head.

Hope jumped off her chair and went to Joe, grabbed him by the hand and motioned for him to lean down. When he did, she plastered a wet kiss on his cheek, which made him grin from ear to ear. He picked her up and seated her on his lap. She put her hands around his neck and smiled sweetly at him. His princess was about to ask for something and he knew it. She had him wrapped around her little finger.

“… daddy?”

“Yes?”

“Do you want to… color my new book with me?”

“Now?”

“Mhm.”

…

“Ah…okay.” 

 

      

* * *

 

 

Later that night Joe woke up when he heard Hope opening the door of their bedroom. Cam still laid sound asleep next to him, her chest softly raising and falling. Little steps approached him, bare little feet stepping on the wooden floor, and soon he felt a small hand shaking him awake.

“Daddy, daddy?” Joe opened his eyes and saw Hope rubbing her eyes, her long light brown hair was a mess around her face. “I can’t sleep.” She whispered softly and tugged on his arm. “Can we go out and watch the stars?”

He smiled and carefully rose from the bed, not wanting to disturb Cameron’s much needed sleep. His bones cracked a little with the motion, the years definitely left their mark on him.

“Of course, we can, sweetheart.” He took her small hand in his and led them downstairs. On their way through the living room, Joe grabbed a blanket from the sofa and wrapped it around her tiny shoulders.

Both of them went outside to the porch and Joe looked up.

“We are lucky. The night sky is clear…”

He spread the blanket on the ground and both laid on it. Hope hugged him and put her head on his outstretched arm. Her eyes, filled with wonder, looked at the neverending dark sky. This wasn’t their first midnight stargazing, just like her father, Hope showed great interest in the stars and what was their story, where they came from, how constellations were created and who named them… Every now and then she would point at a blinking light it the sky and would want an explanation.  

“Daddy, can you tell me a story?”

Joe nodded and began an old story about the constellation Andromeda. How she was a beautiful princess, that was meant to be a sacrifice for a horrid sea monster, but the hero Perseus fell in love with her and saved her by killing the monster.    

When Hope’s breathing deepened, Joe looked down and found she had fallen asleep. A creaking sound got his attention and he twisted his head to see Cam leaning against the door. The two exchanged smiles and she walked over to him. Cam sat on the ground next to them and crossed her long legs.

“I knew you two would be out here.” She said and pointed with head the little girl.

“Did we wake you?”

“Huh? Oh, no.” She shook her head and gently stroked Hope’s hair. When she spoke again her voice was a soft whisper. “Did she have a nightmare?”

“No… she just wanted to look at the stars…” Cam rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes in contentment.

“Hmm… okay.”

Joe looked down at her and kissed the top of her head. “She likes watching the stars…” he put his arm around her waist and whispered softly in her hair. “I like having this with her. I did this with my mom when I was little and it was my best memory of her. Now I get to experience it all over again, but… with Hope. I can only hope one day she would treasure this memory as much as I do, but… I really like sharing this with her.”

Cam smiled and intertwined their fingers. “I know you do.” Cameron looked at the sleeping small girl and grinned.    

“I can’t wait to see your reaction when she starts dating…” A frown appeared on his face and she felt him shift uncomfortably under her.

“One thing I know for sure though, she will always be Daddy’s little girl.”

* * *

 

**Hope** lies in dreams, in imagination, and in the courage of those who dare to make dreams into reality.

**The best is yet to come.**

* * *

 

**THE END**

        

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading this fic! I finished it as promised before New Year's eve! I hope the new 2018 brings you joy, love, laughter and hope! Comments and kudos are always appreciated!


	14. Their legacy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made this video a while ago. I don't know why I haven't posted it here, but here you go... I present to you Hope Macmillan-Howe :) and she is much more than what Joe and Cam expected. The girl is just how I imagine Hope, she looks like a mini Cam and is incredibly smart. Also, her eyes... damn. 
> 
> The clips with the girl, Mckenna Grace, are from the movie Gifted (2017). This year I found out she'll be starring in Captain Marvel alongside Lee Pace. It's like I predicted their paths will cross, haha.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you agree with me? Tell me in a comment bellow. :)


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